Modern Day Witch Hunt

Why is it that when we end a relationship our first reaction is to concentrate all of our energy on what went wrong? What made us angry, hurt, disappointed, enraged, depressed and even to the point of becoming vengeful? Why, as a human race, can't we see this ending for what it really is - a fresh start. An open door to new experiences, learned lessons and the ability to find someone who really will match up to who we are.

We let our anger consume us at the end, why? It's over now. No more need to argue, fight your battles, share your time and space with them. Why can't we just say, 'Whew! That was a rough, but now I'm moving forward into something so much better and healthier for me.' But no, we hang onto the rage and anger as if it's some kind of life line. This isn't who we are!

We may think we want to see our ex's as inherently evil beings, but they aren't. We are all inherently good people. We don't respond to well to anger and rage and hurt. We respond to kindness, compassion, friendship and respect. None of us are bad people. We may make bad decisions, but those decisions do not make up who and what we really are.

"It seems that human beings

have been hard wired through

the years to speak of, think about

and act on our pain far more than

we do our pleasure."

It seems that human beings have been hard wired through the years to speak of, think about and act on our pain far more than we do our pleasure. There's just something so wrong with this conclusion. I like to think that we are changing this...time will tell.

Reacting to pain makes our lives so much more difficult, but add children to the mix and you're harboring a storm that deep down none of us want to experience or see our children be forced to live through. But it again, it goes back to that hard wiring. It can be difficult to fight those urges, even when children are suffering because of it.

We will have people move in and out of our lives for eternity, some feel good, some don't. It can feel worse when the person was in an intimate relationship with you, but if they're no longer in that kind of relationship with you - it was for a reason and you probably feel better without that person there all the time if you will only take the time to consider that possibility.

"Harboring anger and resentment

only truly hurts the one harboring it -

not the one on the receiving end."

Harboring anger and resentment only truly hurts the one harboring it - not the one on the receiving end. But we find ourselves out to forcibly prove to the world how horrible this person was and continues to be. But that just isn't true. They may not have been the best mate for you, but that doesn't mean they'll be alone forever - nor will you remain alone and unattached for the rest of your life. Love is out there for everyone even if one or both of your royally screwed up in past relationships. Learn from them and keep moving forward. Don't waste your time and energy attacking the past, digging for dirt and keeping yourself in such a negative place. You suffer, the children suffer, everyone suffers. That is not how life is meant to be.

 

"We turn our past relationships into

modern day Witch hunts."

We turn our past relationships into modern day Witch hunts. We can spend hours of our day hunting and searching for some lost hidden secret about the other person, slandering and spewing venom at someone who is no longer there. But there must be something...anything that you can use to prove that you had no fault in any of this. Yeah right...

And it doesn't have to be strictly someone from a past intimate relationship: ex-lover's, ex-spouse's, ex-friend's, ex-coworker's, ex-boss's. There will be a never ending stream of ex's that leave your life, and we seem to believe that if they have left our life for any negative reason we have to shout to the world how bad it was. How horrible this person was to you. How you didn't deserve to be treated that way. Even if we were the one at fault. Why? Does is change what happened? Does it make the other person feel regret and sorrow at their supposed actions? Probably not. In fact, if they find out you've taken it upon yourself to inform the world of who you think they are they'll most likely do the exact same to you. And the cycle of anger continues... Well that's helpful. Don't we all just feel so much better now...yes - this is sarcasm.

"We need to break the cycle before it breaks us."

We need to break the cycle before it breaks us. It's disappointing that our culture talks of all the bad in the world and so little of the good. One day, I hope that this will be reversed. I think the world would be a much better place if this were true. We all need to take a deep breath, relax and take an honest look at the ex's in our lives. They aren't worth all the bashing and digging and spewing - they just aren't. And really, like attracts like. If this is what you are doing then guess what's going to be happening to you in the very near future? You got it. Call it karma, God's will, Nature, Law of Attraction - it's all the same thing. What we put out in this world returns to us. We need to keep this in our minds when in the process of an ending of something/someone in our lives.

Breaking this cycle can seem monumentally impossible when you are in the thick of one of these endings. But try to take more deep breaths, get more fresh air, talk less, listen more. Especially to those around you who are also in their own ending of a relationship. Just listen to what is going on, see the stress and anxiety it puts the person through, see how no matter what they say or do it never seems to get better. Now take a long hard look in a mirror and see if that person is also you. It isn't worth it.

I know it's hard to step back, but when you start watching others and seeing first hand how futile the entire episode is, it'll give you a very different perspective on your own ex's. For those on the receiving end of the digging and spewing - sure, maybe they get a little ticked at first but eventually it just turns into one big joke. Okay, what will so-and-so think of next? It becomes this waiting game to see what kind of stupidity they other person tries to fling at you. And then you laugh, which makes the other person even angrier, and they try harder...and on and on and on...

"We need to step away and stop engaging."

We need to step away and stop engaging. If this person is an ex, then they are in the past. Leave it there. There must be something in your life that is more interesting. Just turn your back and walk away. Life will be so much better and sweeter if you do. And if the ex can't stop their cycle, not your problem. You stopped yours and your life is better for it. You aren't responsible for theirs.

Raising Witchlings Series: Being a Single Parent

 

Published on Examiner.com / November 5, 2013

 

Being a single parent, Pagan or not, comes with endless challenges. When a woman gets pregnant the thought typically isn't that you'll be parenting without a mate beside you. Soon to be fathers don't think they'll need to see their children from a distance. But, things happen, relationships end and both parents find themselves trying to navigate the world of single parenthood.

Parents see this amazing child in front of them. Someone they will love and even lay down their life for in an instant, but at the same time feel so many negative emotions swirling around within them regarding the other parent no longer there. The emotions that immediately come to mind are anger, frustration, confusion, blame/guilt, inadequacy, jealousy and even hatred.

Many parents, mothers and fathers alike, feel an intense need to punish the other for the hurts and disappointments from the past relationship. Some can feel these emotions and work through them, for others however, it can become so consuming that it's all they can think about. There really isn't a right or wrong way to feel these emotions. They are yours and you'll feel them in the way you need to, but your actions are completely under your control regardless of your present emotions or actions of others.

This is where some parents have a problem. Your actions DO NOT have to mirror your emotions - and YOU CAN change your emotions from negative to positive. As hard or impossible as this seems at times, it can be done. However, we are also all human beings and some of our most valuable learning opportunities are through the mistakes we make in our lives.

It can be extremely difficult to see your own part in the ending of a relationship, but it does take two. Have you ever just stopped long enough to meditate on your past relationship and the emotions you are currently having? What comes up for you? Can you find your own pattern in the relationships you've had previously that didn't work out?

This step can take time and real effort on your part. But the more you see how you both projected your feelings and emotions into the starting of and ending of the relationship the easier it is to let go of what was and concentrate on what is.

In the mean time, you're still dealing with a lot of hurt feelings and negative emotions. A very typical response seen over and over again is one parent limiting or cutting off access to the children in order to 'teach the other parent a lesson'. But let's be frank about this - it doesn't work. Yes, it hurts the other parent but it also pisses them off. Not a good way to get them to work with you on co-parenting your children. Let's face it, it may feel great in the moment but karma has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. Don't mix your bad karma with your children's lives. The children are the ones that get the brunt of the punishments in these petty arguments.

Here are a few other areas to try and stay clear of:

• Continuous arguing. Whether its done in front of the children or not, they feel it. The spats back and forth do nothing to make the situation better and only keep both parents in a very negative place regarding each other and inevitably - the children. Children can begin to feel like they need to take sides; betraying one of their parents for the other. Do you really want your kids to feel this way? These arguments are what makes it impossible to come to a compromise on the important issues with the children, and can inevitably wind up as long drawn out court battles.
• Snotty remarks. Making snotty remarks and constantly trying to test the others patience in texts, emails or verbally is not only childish, but counter-productive. We, as Pagan parents, understand the Law of Attraction (or the Laws of Nature) very well. We know that what we put out there will be returned to us. So if you want your child's other parent to make similar remarks to you causing you more stress, anger and frustration - go for it. But honestly, not very many of us really want that. So as hard as it may seem, treat them how you want to be treated. It's the only way to get what you want.
• Allowing others to cut down the other parent. It may seem natural that your parents, friends or even co-workers know all the hideous details of the ending of the relationship and of course side with you on everything. They want all the juicy details from each interaction and you're probably more than happy to comply. This however is not what you want to do. The more you talk about all of the things you don't want, the more you'll wind up getting them. If they ask, just let them know that the two of you are trying your best towards working things out and you just don't want to talk about it. This is just one more way to keep yourself in a negative place. So don't do it.
• Saying negative things in front of or to the kids about the other parent. It's been seen way too many times in the courts - one parent telling the kids horrible things about the other parent in the hopes of scaring them into not wanted to go on visitations or sleep-overs, or to just make the other parent look bad. Any parent who would be willing to put their own child through distress to hurt the other parent seriously needs to get their priorities checked. It's not as if you can't say these things. If they're just ready to burst from you step away from the kids, out of earshot, and yell it out loud, write it out and burn it. Just keep the remarks and opinions away from the kids.
• Continue talking about what is going on. Why, if you put yourself into a negative place every time you mention your ex, do you continue to talk about each and every little thing that happens to anyone who will listen? Really? What is the point? Every time you delve into your relationship with your ex you're taking yourself back to hurt feelings, anger, disappointment and depression. Yeah, that's a fun place to be. If you really need to discuss these things try talking to a counselor who can help you release these negative feelings. We don't need well meaning friends and family enabling us in a destructive pattern of negativity. Once you're able to step away emotionally from what happened, from personal experience, you'll be able to discuss your past relationship without the emotional baggage.

When we have children, our relationship with the other parent never ends, it just restructures itself into a different kind of relationship. In good times and bad, we will need to interact with the other parent on issues involving our children at least until they are legal adults - it's just a fact of having children. It can be difficult and emotional but we really can turn things around in order to get along with the other parent. We don't need to try for a warm fuzzy friendship (unless that's what you really want) but at the very least you can be cordial to them. The less drama you bring to this restructured relationship the less you'll get in return.

This is not a competition. Your children's relationship with their other parent is not the same one you had with them. They love both of their parents and do not (nor should they be) put in the middle of a power struggle between the two of you.

It's very difficult when you don't know every detail of what is going on with your children when they are with the other parent, but they really are okay. Yes, they will have different toys and play different games but this does not mean they love one of you more than the other. Children are just trying to find their place in this new restructured relationship. The better you are at communicating and working with the other parent the better you're children will feel about the changes that have happened. Another benefit - children are master manipulators when they want something, by having the skills to co-parent effectively you won't have issues with your children trying to play one parent off the other.

Stop concentrating on everything your ex did or did not do. You are probably not going to get all the answers you want regarding your break-up. These questions are just going to have to be laid to rest. A very difficult concept for so many parents to wrap their heads around is that it just doesn't matter any longer. You want answers, you want to understand what on earth was going on in your ex's head. But, you are no longer a couple. Couples need to communicate and discuss their actions and words. This is no longer the case. Neither of you are required to justify anything you said or did from your past together. Now, you are only parents. And what would be the point of it - really? The priority is the children, not your past relationship.

So what can we do to help us get through the negative emotions swirling around? Look at your children. Watch their happiness and joy at being able to see both parents regularly, at seeing both parents communicating and handling all the adult stuff that they don't need to be concerned with. Watch how happy they are when they get to see the other parent and listen about the fun times they had. Yes - there may be some jealousy creeping in at first, but just keep the attention on your kids. Your kids continued happiness will keep you in alignment. This alone could be the very thing that breaks the chain of negativity within you. They may have been horrible as a spouse or lover, but they seem to be a pretty damn good parent, even with all of their flaws.

Use the experiences as learning opportunities. As Pagan parents there are so many ways to use our own powers to let go of the drama and baggage and reconnect with the priorities that really matter - our children.

• Talking things out with your HP or other clergy could be a good start.
• Design a ritual to release negativity towards your ex.
• Meditate more.
• Celebrate the times you get to be alone, with peace and quiet. As parents we see that time so infrequently. Rejoice in it.
• Perform a rebirthing ritual for yourself into this new life transition. You are only responsible for your happiness, and as long as that is your goal everyone else around you will benefit from it.
• Design a spell or ritual to keep the negativity away from your children during this transition.

These are only a few examples. Do what feels right to you. If you're part of a Coven, ask for their assistance in these matters. Pooling everyone's energies together can be of great benefit to you and the children.

When your children ask questions. Okay, it's going to happen at some point. Your children will start asking questions about the changes going on. What do you tell them? The answer to that is much simpler than you think. Tell them the truth. Age appropriate, but the truth. But also, only the truth regarding YOUR feelings and actions. You can't answer for the other parent, they need to be the one to do that. So it really is okay to say 'I don't know. You'll need to ask mommy/daddy.' And then let the other parent know what questions have been asked so they can be prepared to answer them. Some questions that may come up:

• Why don't I have a daddy/mommy? Your daddy/mommy doesn't know how to be a good daddy/mommy, he/she still has to learn how to do that. But if they do learn, then they will be able to be in our lives. You deserve the best kind of daddy/mommy.
• Why aren't mommies and daddies together? Mommies and daddies love each other very much, and they are also the very best of friends. Sometimes mommies and daddies can't seem to figure out how to be best friends any more. Then they sometimes argue a lot and no one likes that. So they decide to live in separate homes so they don't argue and fight any more. The mommies and daddies feel better and now the children get to have 2 homes to live in. This means 2 rooms, 2 sets of toys, 2 holiday celebrations. It's like double the fun for the kids.
• Is mommy/daddy ever coming home? (If you aren't considering a reconciliation, don't give them false hope.) Probably not. We are much happier living in separate homes. We don't want to argue any more, and this makes sure we can both be there for you. We love you so much that even though these changes are hard right now, we know we'll all be much happier this way. We just can't be best friends any more but everything is going to be alright.
• Why does mommy/daddy have another family? (This is a very emotional question, but hang in there.) Because they wanted to be a part of your family. Your mommy/daddy met someone who they could be best friends with and love very much. They decided to join your family because they love and care for you too. They don't have a new family, they just added to the family you already have.
• Don't you love mommy/daddy any more? (Again, no false hopes if a reconciliation isn't a possibility.) I will always love them because they helped me bring you into this world. But I don't love them the same way I did when we were best friends and that probably isn't going to change.

These are only a small sampling of the kinds of questions children typically ask there parents when a separation occurs. It's important that children understand the truth of what is going on without all the drama and highly emotional details that go along with separations. Our children don't need to know the dirty details of it, just that both parents are happier apart and can continue to love and support them in every way. We don't need to make up stories or give false hope and we don't have to answer questions that are better answered by the other parent. The only job we have is to take care of ourselves and our happiness so we can take care of our children to the best of our abilities.

Separations and divorces are very emotional for everyone involved. Even  though a relationship has ended, that doesn't mean that you as parents aren't going to be able to raise your children together. You get from any relationship what you put into it and this is one of the most important relationships you will ever have. Whether a reconciliation is foreseeable in the future or not your jobs are to parent your children to the very best of your abilities. If you need to carry a picture of your children on you at all times so when/if you start to feel overly negative about your ex you can pull it out and look at their smiling faces - do it. They are what matters, they are the priority. We as parents have the hardest jobs in the world but also the most rewarding when we can see the joy and happiness that we have helped bring into our children's lives. Keep that as your focus and you'll be able to make it through the storm of separation.

Helpful Links
2houses.com
Canadian Co-Parenting Centre
Tips for Co-Parenting After a Separation or Divorce
Dr. Phil - Advice - Co-Parenting

Published on Examiner.com / November 5, 2013

Raising Witchlings Series: Religious Freedom and Our Kids

"Don't be afraid to be open-minded, your brain isn't going to fall out." ~author unknown

Published on Examiner.com / October 20, 2013

We all want our children to be safe in this world. We go to great lengths to teach our children about looking both ways before crossing the street, not to talk to strangers, no running with scissors and holding the railings on stairwells among just a few. What parents who subscribe to one of the many Judeo-Christian religions do not have to worry about is their children's safety regarding their or their parents religious and spiritual beliefs. As Pagan parents, we do. It is unfortunate, but too many Pagan parents have to worry about their children possibly being bullied at school for their families religious beliefs. Too many have to worry about what their children will say in public. Not all communities are open to various faiths that do not follow the same tenants. Careers have been ruined over an individuals personal spiritual beliefs because of ignorance and fear of beliefs that seem foreign and wrong to others. And far worse, religious freedom is dragged into too many courts of law. Pagan parents can find themselves having to fight for their right to believe what is right for them and still be able to have access to their children.

Parents separate and divorce; leaving children to be fought over in a tug of war that hurts everyone involved. Most especially the children. It can be hard enough to be civil to one another during a divorce, but throw in religion and the courts are forced to make decisions they are ill equipped to make; nor does any judge want to have to make these kinds of decisions. Church and State are kept separate for good reason. But, when an angry parent feels justified in making their ex 'pay for what they've done to them', everyone must suffer.

Whether your major concerns involve the school systems, the workplace, your community or the court of law, you need to know what your rights are. Knowledge is power. Knowing what the laws are in your state/province is not only for your and your children's protection, but it can give parents confidence to stand strong against religious bigotry and persecution and a sense of ease regarding others outside of your immediate circle of friends and family knowing what you believe.

So, how do we protect our children?

Where to start? We are all probably fairly knowledgeable on the views of our communities. This can give us a look into what we may expect in the school systems. Some of us are comfortable with staying quiet, others are more than happy to stir the pot and announce to the world exactly who and what they are, and be damned their 'views'. But we're talking about the safety and emotional well-being of our children, so our personal views on how open we will be can change. Many Pagan parents look at private schools like Montessori for their children because such a large majority of schools are Christian or Catholic based. Just because the law may be on your side, the community or school board or work place can make being in their vicinity a living nightmare. How much are we willing to take? How much are we willing to put our children through?

Teaching our children about ignorance and fear in society.

Our children need to be taught that there are people in this world who do not understand Pagan beliefs. They see what is in the movies, or scary ghost stories and believe that is what we are. It scares them. We don't need to correct them, just let them be. We'll all take the approach with our children that we know will work best, but this is a discussion that cannot wait until after it happens. Preventative measures need to be taken. You'll feel better and your children will feel more confident in themselves as they move through their life.

Yes, those of us, the Pagan parents, see all of this as ridiculous. We see divinity within nature; now that's just frightening. We are proponents for gender equality in the mundane world and so it only makes sense that this equality would include our religious world. Where some see God and the Virgin Mary, we see God and the Goddess. Equal, partners, co-creators, balance. What a horrible thought. We teach to 'Harm None'. Wow, the audacity of Pagan parents. We teach that everyone has a right to their own religious and spiritual beliefs even if they contradict our own. How awful! Non-pagans think we hold scary rituals inciting demons and other such nonsense. We wear robes and have candles and incense.

So let's all take a trip to the nearest Catholic service and watch their priests in robes and funky pointed hats, with their gold staffs, chalices of wine and plates of cakes. Swinging their noxious incense around them, all the while chanting in Latin which I doubt anyone understands. For all we know their inciting damnation on the heads of everyone there.

Now let's flip through the pages of our old history textbooks and see where exactly our upstanding Catholic priests got their basic structure and means of dress for their services. Oh yes, here it is. From the Pagan faiths before them.

Yes, we Pagan parents are a scary lot. Celebrating the seasonal changes, seeing the divine in everything and teaching our children that they have more control over their life and environment than they may think. But there are those who feel justified in their religious persecution so it's best that we all know our rights.

Learn the laws in your area now rather than later.

Yes, we can still see and feel the absurdity of it all, but being prepared certainly won't hurt. Start with locating the laws in your area. These links will help you with the information you need:
Religious Freedom - US Department of State
Canada's Office of Religious Freedom
United Kingdom Rights and Policies on Religious Freedom
Ireland 2012 International Religious Freedom Report
Australian Human Rights Commission

If you are faced with family court and custody issues involving Pagan beliefs, the best resource is the Lady Liberty League. They specialize in Pagan rights and can assist you with resources and even legal council if deemed necessary.

So find out where you stand in the eyes of the law where you live. Just keep all of the information in a file in case you ever need to use or reference it. The hope is that we never have to use it, but if we do, it's there and ready for us. Be prepared to have it on hand for school boards, employers, community facilities, unions and the court of law. It never hurts to be overly prepared.

What if the attack comes from an ex?

Start with the rights in your state/province and contact the LLL. There have been custody cases that have ranged from Pagan parents divorcing, one has 'found God' and is going to use Paganism and Witchcraft to win custody of the children; to interfaith families that decide to use the others Pagan faith against them in family court; to nonreligious couples divorcing, one remarries a Pagan/Wiccan/Witch, and the ex is going to try to get the kids by using this in court.

The worst part of this entire situation is the pain that it causes the children. One parent is doing everything they can to limit the visitations with the other parent; justifying this with outrageous claims, persecuting the other based on religion. The children see it, and worse, they feel it.

It takes time and diligence, but it is possible to insure your rights and safety of your children. To be together as a family. To feel confident and secure within yourselves regardless of the mess others are making of their own lives.

So what can we do after all the legalities are taken care of or are in motion?

Pagans tend to have a fairly good understanding of what is now being called the 'Law of Attraction'. What we put out into the world will come back to us. We may not always feel it, but we really do have the ability to choose our emotions regardless of what others are doing.

Where our children are concerned, anything an ex does or says that implies your losing them in some way is hitting below the belt. We become very emotional very quickly, but we can calm this down. If we immediately react every time with anger, sadness, rage, hatred, a need for revenge - that's what we're putting out into the Universe. So those are the things that are going to come back to us. If you can find a way to remember that the emotions you put into your dealings with your ex will be the same ones that are returned to you, you can get a better perspective on the situation. Every time you respond with anger you are literally handing all of your power to another person. Why on earth would anyone want to willingly do that? Especially if that means you're handing your power over on a silver platter to your ex.

Some tips for keeping your negative emotions at bay:

• Deep breathing helps to release endorphins, the bodies natural feel-good painkillers in addition to increasing blood flow which allows you to be more focused; relieving anxiety and fear.
• Stop talking about it with everyone you see. Notice that when you speak about it, your emotions go right back to the place of anger. So stop it!
• Find ways of distracting yourself away from your negative emotions. Stay away from the news channel, friends and family who only want to complain or hear about how horrible your life may be at this moment. Read a good book, watch a comedy, play with your pet. Anything that will turn your emotions in a more positive direction.
• Go to sleep each night reviewing everything you are grateful for, you'll wake up in that same grateful mood.
• Slow down and enjoy what you have surrounding you in this very moment. If you can't be grateful for what you have right now, you can't draw more of it into your life.
• Meditate regularly. Meditation has been proven to help people with focus and highly emotional situations. It's one of the easiest ways to relax and get ourselves back on track.

Final words...

In this day and age and with so much information available regarding the numerous Pagan beliefs and religious systems one would think the ability to persecute someone for being Pagan would be long gone. This is certainly coming in the future, so in the mean time we Pagan parents need to know and understand our rights. We need to know how open we want our children to be and to be prepared to deal with the schools and community if needed. And we need to consider our role in the lives of any child who comes into our lives, either through our children's friends or step-children that join our families. Knowledge is power and the more we know the better prepared we will be in protecting our rights and those of our children. Brightest Blessings.


Published on Examiner.com / October 20, 2013 

the Witchy Writer

Raising Witchlings Series: Being a Pagan Bonus Mom

Published on Examiner.com / September 26, 2013 

Being a step-mom can be challenging; being a Pagan step-mom has its own unique challenges. You need to tread lightly when it comes to your partner's ex. What you say and what you expose your step-child to could potentially be used against you and your partner in regards to faith, beliefs and holidays. It is not just a case of dealing with an ex who will at times (hopefully not all the time) allow jealousy and bitterness to take full control of her actions; spewing venom in all directions and putting an unnecessary burden on the children. It can be a rarity to find a woman who is actually happy that their ex has moved on and found someone. So in the midst of the emotional tornado that must be dealt with, you must also figure out how to tread the waters of sharing your faith with your step-children.

So how do you deal with this situation? 

First, know your legal rights for the area you live. A good organization that can help you find out is the Lady Liberty League. The LLL is an international religious freedom and civil rights organization who help Pagans, Wiccan's and other nature religion practitioners with legal issues regarding their chosen faith and/or spiritual practices. Don't wait until something happens to find out about your legal rights, do it now. Some states/provinces are not as open as others and you and your partner need to know if an ex could potentially try to bring some kind of  trumped up legal action against either of you. It is unfortunate, but the safest answer to this challenge may be to keep your religion secret.

Second, once you know your legal rights sit down with your partner and discuss how you want to incorporate (or not) your step-children. You have a right to your religious and spiritual beliefs, but we also know that sharing them openly is not always a safe thing to do. Discuss how you will be able to practice your beliefs in the home when your step-children are present. Do you have children of your own who practice with you? How do you incorporate them? Can the same be done with your step-children? Or, is there a way of lessening some of the ritual aspects of your celebrations and practices when your step-children are present to make it more comfortable for everyone?

Hammering out these details in advance will make the home situation much calmer. It will also put you and your partner on the same page so if the ex tries to do or say anything you know your partner has your back. But if the ex is absolutely against her children having anything to do with your spiritual or religious practices (be prepared for this reaction) then you and your partner should come up with a plan for how that will be accomplished. It will most likely be unrealistic that the children not know what your faith is, but you and your partner can be the bigger people and work around this challenge no matter how unfair the demand.

Third, take it slow. Introduce your step-children (if you decide to) slowly. Start with celebrating the changes of the season without incorporating any religious or ritual practices. Allow your step-children to see your practices as a natural extension of nature. No cackling, green skin or warts for them to report to their mother. And if that goes well than continue to introduce a little more each holiday.

One of the more difficult aspects to contend with for any step-mother (or bonus mom) is ensuring that their partner's children feel included when they are with you. A sure fire way of making sure they do not like you is if they wind up feeling like their father went out and 'found' a new family. It shouldn't feel like an 'us and them' situation when they are visiting. You and your children are now a part of their family, and families stick together no matter how many different homes they are spread throughout.

An interesting and enlightening article to read whether you are the bonus mom or the biological mom, (especially if you are the biological mom), is '7 Reasons Not to Hate Your Child's Stepmom'. You don't need to be seen, nor should you be, as 'the competition'. You are not there to steel another mom's children from her. As a bonus mom, you are just that. A bonus. One more person who will unconditionally love these children. Who only wants the best for them. Hopefully there will be a time when the ex can let go of past hurts and mistakes, forgive for their own sake, and be happy that you and your partner are giving the children a stable and diverse home for them to grow up in. It can be done.

Published on Examiner.com / September 26, 2013

Trying to Stay in a Good Place

I love both of my children with all my heart. It doesn't matter that my daughter is not mine by blood, she is technically my 'step' daughter, but my children are 'my children'. I love them equally. They are both my family.

My husband and I got to spend the Autumnal Equinox with both of our children. My husband asked his ex for 1 extra hour so our daughter could spend more time with family (my mother-in-law celebrated with us and very rarely gets to see our daughter because she lives with her biological mother). She refused because spending this seasonal holiday with me is not a family activity in her opinion. She said that this is just "my religious event" and has nothing to do with our daughter.

I'm trying to stay in a good place, but I'm so sick and tired of her outrageous stupidity and ignorance. Her bitterness and jealousy of me is hitting all time lows and only serves to make it less likely that we'll do anything to cooperate with her on anything in the future, in addition to her hurting her own daughter by not allowing us any real quality time with her. We only get to see her every 2 weeks for a few hours each day on the weekend.

But I find that her ignorance also angers me. She has no idea what my beliefs are. My husband and I think that she probably had to Google yesterday's holiday to even know why we wanted our daughter to spend an extra hour with us. The equinox is not a religious holiday for everyone. It's a seasonal holiday, the Pagan's Thanksgiving. And being Pagan does not make one religious. If she wants to debate what my path is, she should at least become educated on it beforehand so her stupidity doesn't show through so clearly.

And - I am married to our daughter's father. I am family. My husband's ex does not have to like it, but I am family. I love our daughter and I always will. That is just the way it is. She is going to have to figure out a way to live with this fact. She has no choice but to share her biological daughter with me. And she is the one who threw my 'now husband' out of their home with nothing but a backpack and the clothes on his back. What did she honestly think would happen after doing something that extreme?

So I am trying to release the anger I've had for this selfish and ignorant excuse for a woman and mother. And all I wish to give to her...is my silence. I will not allow her to ruin my love for my new daughter, she is what matters. Both of our children are loved by my husband and me and that will never change.

Finding Peace in Turmoil

Like finding the sun shining through in the midst of a storm, we all want to be able to find peace when we are facing turmoil in our lives. So we keep asking ourselves how we can find any kind of inner peace when a storm is raging within us. Our chests are tight and hurt, we become overly sensitive to everything and everyone. One minute we're crying and the next we are exploding over something small and usually meaningless. So how do we do it?

I've been asking myself this very question over the past few days. My husband has a daughter from his previous relationship. She is 3, and beautiful, and wonderful, and smart, and so many more things. I can already see the trouble she is going to cause us when she's a teenager, but I welcome it because I love her so very much. Well - and I already know all the teenage girl tricks because I used them all myself. And I'm going to thoroughly enjoy watching my husband's flustering frustrations as she becomes a young woman. It's going to be quite entertaining.

The turmoil however, is with my lovely step-daughter's mother. I suppose it isn't usual for women to like or get along with their ex's new wife, and I'm not expecting her to like me or my husband. What I do expect is that she control herself in front of her daughter. But she is very angry and upset over our marriage and has made it very obvious the she is unable to control her temper. And unfortunately she dragged her daughter outside with her in order to yell at my husband. I just watched as she looked around in despair. She started by hitting her mother over and over in the stomach trying to get her attention. But I look up and all she can do is flail her arms around with her eyes about to bug out of her head while she ignores her daughter completely to continue the tirade. The sadness in that little girls face absolutely broke my heart. We received texts from her throughout the night saying how her daughter was screaming and yelling; all in an attempt to make my husband feel bad. But she can't see it. My step-daughter is perfectly fine with us. We don't discuss her mother or show our anger or frustration with her immaturity in her presence. We expected the same from her mother, but that isn't happening. Why is she so angry when she is with her mother? Because she is insulting and yelling about her father in front of her. She screams and yells at her mother and grandparents because they can't control themselves around her. A 3 year old only has one response to listening to someone tear her father apart. She screams and yells, she throws tantrums, she isn't nice to anyone. But she doesn't do any of this with us. So that is what is currently going on. You can see why my level of frustration is high. But what to do about it.

Step One - identify what I don't want so I know what I do want. I don't want to ever see my step-daughter in that kind of pain again. So what I want is to know that she has peace and love in her life regardless of what her mother and grandparents are doing. I want her to know and feel that we all love her so very much. That it is okay that her mommy has a home and her daddy has a home. I want this with all of my being.

Step Two - let what I do want be known to the universe. This is the easy part. I know what I want, so the universe knows it also. I don't have to worry about it.

Step Three - allow the truth of what I want to manifest into my present reality. This is the harder part. It requires that I project and think about what I do want, not what I don't want. That's hard when we are constantly bombarded by my husband's ex and her immature and outrageously childish behavior. Sometimes I feel it just never ends, getting more and more out of control. But, it does that only because I'm not in the right state of mind. The more frustrated I get at her, the less I'm concentrating on my step-daughter's peace. I'm concentrating on her lack of peace. And as the Law of Attraction tells - we get more of what we think and feel. I feel frustration, so does my step-daughter.

Changing this pattern will not be easy, but is extremely important. I really really want my step-daughter to be at peace - so this is what I need to concentrate on. I have to FEEL with all of my being that she is in peace, that this is the only state of being she can be in. I cannot concentrate on what her mother is currently doing. This only brings more of what she is doing into being.

This holds true with anything we want in our lives. These steps can be put to anything. The point is that we decide how we want to feel and feel that way now before we are able to physically see the manifestation for ourselves. The universe hears and answers our requests, but if we turn around and feel the opposite the universe will hear that as well, manifesting what we don't want instead. It takes practice. Start with something small that is easy for you to feel good about right now - you'll see it manifest for you. The faster we are able to truly put ourselves into the good feeling place of already having, the faster the universe will deliver. Do the best that you can. Find things that you can redirect your energy towards that will keep you feeling good. Whether it is meditation, looking at pictures that make you feel happy and good, exercise, music, art, writing. It doesn't matter, just do it and you'll see.

So wish me luck as I give my step-daughter the best gift I can. Peace of mind, joy, laughter, love, family. And if you have a few moments, please send your good feeling intentions to this amazing and most deserving little girl. She is so worth it.

Blessed Be!
the Witchy Writer

This is a great video to watch that gives you wonderful information to take with you if you find yourself at the end of a relationship...especially if you have children.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TeJ9s7XmS4

Digging for Dirt in a Desert

Have you ever noticed yourself or others doing this? Trying to find something about someone else for no other reason than to prove to yourself how horrible the other person is. Usually we see this in ex's; which is what I'm currently in the process of watching. It seems that my step-daughter's mother is on a hunt to find something (anything) she can to use against my husband. The current tactic seems to be that my husband didn't get into a car accident (which he did), that he didn't go through the windshield (which he unfortunately did - but he is okay), and because my husband isn't on my car insurance (because I don't have coverage for anyone other than myself driving the car - $$$), that there is some kind of nefarious issues going on that she must uncover and reveal to the world. Well, maybe just to the court system so she can get sole custody.

It's sad really; to watch her hunting and digging, and hunting and digging. She's trying to find this elusive grain of sand within a desert that will give her the information she is hoping to get - so she can prove what a horrible man my husband is. Maybe she thinks it will make her feel better if she can find something. Maybe she wants to show the world that she isn't the reason that the two of them are no longer together. Regardless, I'm watching this and its really, really sad. I see her working herself up on figments of her imagination and my husband becoming more and more angry and resentful towards his ex. How does this benefit anyone? How is this doing what is best for my precious 3 year old step-daughter? My husband wasn't even one of those dead-beat dads we all hear about or see in our own lives. He's been there since day one, been a stay-at-home dad for the past 2 years. But his ex is trying to portray him to the courts as if he were one of those dead-beat dads that we as mothers just want to take a baseball bat to.

I completely realize that my husband had a hand in breaking up their relationship...just as I had a hand in breaking up my first marriage. Like we are told time and time again, it takes 2 to make it work, and 2 to break it apart. It happens. But hopefully we can learn from it and move on to other relationships with more information. Clearer heads. A better idea of what we do and do not want from ourselves as well as a partner.

One thing I have learned regarding my own broken relationships is that dwelling on the would'ves, should'ves, could'ves, if only's, how could he, that SOB, I hope he rots in ________, fill in the blank with what ever expletive you want, is pointless. It is a complete waste of our time and utterly destructive to our inner peace and hope's of having a positive, loving relationship in the future.

As a Witch we try to live as best we can within the natural laws of nature. Our rule, or version of the 10 commandments as it were, we call our Rede: 'An it harm none, do as thou will'. This rule also applies to ourselves. Continuing in day after day of negative thinking is extremely harmful to ourselves. We know that the mental projections (thoughts) that we release into the universe, will eventually come back to us. People call this by many names: Karma, Law of Nature, Law of Attraction, Will of God are only a few. But regardless of the name you use, the premise is the same. What ever you do/say/think will come back at you at some point. I for one want to try to minimize the negative backlash as much as possible.

But as human beings, we know that we can't stop every negative thought or emotion from forming. It just isn't possible. But we can recognize when we start these negative thoughts and actively do something to calm ourselves down, regroup, and let our thoughts flow in a more positive direction. This insures that even though the negative emotion/thought started - we didn't allow it to build momentum to the point where it goes out of our control. Some people do this with deep breathing, meditation, working out, taking long walks, listening to music or yoga. Really it's anything that makes you FEEL better. And feel is the operative word here.

How we feel tells us whether we are heading into a good place or bad place. If we feel crummy, sad, depressed, angry, hurt (add in any negative emotion you want), then we need to stop the second we recognize it and do what we need to, to regroup and move into the positive. We aren't hurting the other person by fuming about them, we hurt ourselves. And at the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves - not the other person.

I hope that my husband's ex figures this out soon. I hope she realizes how detrimental all of this digging and fighting and lashing out is to herself and unfortunately to her daughter as well. She's told my husband that their daughter is having some severe separation anxieties. She thinks that this is something she can throw in my husbands face to make him feel bad. But what she doesn't see at all is that my step-daughter is having a hard time with the separations because she gets to see her father so infrequently. She doesn't realize that she is the ultimate cause of her daughter's separation anxieties. I hope that she starts seeing the truth soon. I may not like her, or ever want to be close to her - but I don't wish her ill. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her to suffer. I want her to learn from this and move on to something more positive in her life. She can be happy in her life and not feel constant anger and resentment every time she thinks of my husband, but she is the only one who can make that happen. I hope she does.

Blessed Be!
the Witchy Writer