Raising Witchlings Series: A Witches Legacy

Published on Examiner.com / December 28, 2013
A legacy is something passed down from the past. Usually we think of property, money, inheritances or even positions or titles but a legacy is something so much more. It is the essence of who we were during our lifetime. Usually our legacy is something we think of regarding our children and grandchildren. During this Yuletide season have you thought of what your legacy is? What you would like it to be?

Do we ever stop to think what our legacy is to our children on a daily basis? How kind were we, how compassionate were we, how well did we really listen to our children's needs, how forgiving, how loving. An act of a minutes anger can leave our children with a legacy of mistrust. Many acts of anger, whether towards our children or others in our lives, can insure that the legacy we leave behind is not a positive one.

Yes, a nice inheritance may be nice for our children but our daily actions and how we handle our lives are what is really important. Our children should know that life is meant to be joyful and fun, not overrun with heartache and misery. Others do not steer our course, only we have the ability to choose what direction we take in any given situation. We can choose joy or we can choose misery and disappointment.

The holidays can be such a stressful time for so many, but when we take the time to consider our ancestors and the legacy they gave us - in many ways they have shown us what this winter season was truly meant for. Yule is the point of rebirth and renewal. It is a time to slow down, travel less, contemplate more. What have we done over the past year? What will we do with the next year?

Are we angry a lot or in a regular state of depression? Do we blame others for what they have forced onto our life? Do we argue and fight, allow guilt and overwhelming obligations to family and friends dictate what we do in our daily lives? What does this tell our children? That life just isn't all that great. That to grow up is to feel pain and suffer. That to have anything good in our lives is selfish and not within our control. That others have the power to steer our future in any direction they choose.

This is not a legacy worth sharing. As a Witch, I can only speak to a Witches legacy. What I have learned within my life and spiritual practices. That God is seen in many faces and many forms. That my way is not the only way, nor the only true, correct way. That no one has the ability to steer my future unless I hand them my power - which I will not do. That to care for myself, to make myself my top priority is not selfish but the only way to live my true and authentic life. That life is meant to be joyful and fun. That I have infinite possibilities and it is only my inability to believe in these possibilities that holds me back. That everyone deserves the right to be happy and I have no right to demand that they should do as I say or want. That honesty with compassion, even if difficult to speak, is always the better choice. That many times it is best to stay silent and just listen. That everyone has a right to their own opinion no matter how opposite or irrational it may seem to me. That I need no one to speak for me or dictate to me how I need to see God because the source of our creation flows through me every second of every day whether I feel it or not. That every day I have a new chance to change my fate and bring absolute abundance into my life. That the laws that are enacted, the wars that are fought, the religions that preach sin and hatred of others who are different come from a place so detached from what we call God that they are not worth my attention. That every relationship we form is eternal and even if painful, it is a lesson we needed. It is a lesson to see what we really want and take the leap of faith to have it is always worth it.

These are some of the larger life lessons that I would choose for my legacy. There are smaller ones as well such as, television and the media are really a waste of time and only stand in the way of life's joy. Animals and pets really do make life a better place. We can learn a lot from the innocent joy of our children and our emotions are our way of figuring out whether we are heading in the right direction or not. Meditation is the best and fastest way to connect with the gods and our true selves, magick is very real and not something in fairytales and fancies and no matter what path my children choose in life - I will always stand behind them with love and support whether I am here in this physical body or not.

If I can leave my children with this knowledge, if they can know with absolute certainty that they really can have everything they want in life, I will be handing them the world. I do not want them to see my pain or anger at another as an excuse to feel the same - or worse, an excuse to build a wall around themselves to keep those experiences at a 'safe' distance. Whether it be towards a family member, a spouse, a friend, an ex, the teller at the bank or the stranger walking down the street - all of our experiences are valuable to us. All of these experiences and relationships help us see more and more clearly what we want in life. They give us goals and aspirations. Yes, even the painful ones. We experience the things in life we do not want, which allows us to strive for what we do want. Without these experiences how would we truly know our true selves? The trick is to see what we don't want and as quickly as possible begin thinking and feeling our way in the direction of what we do want, one baby step at a time. To spend our days going over the what if's, how could they have done/said that to me, what could have been different - these do nothing but keep us trapped in the past and we can never be happy in the past. To keep ourselves in a place of anger, depression, vengeance and hatred will only bring more of those things into our lives. To allow what someone else said or did to pave the path of our future, to so completely submit ourselves to someone else's control is so beneath us all. This is not what we would ever want to pass on to our children, but we will if we do not show them a better way.

As a Witch I know that what I call God and Goddess is just the form that feels right and true for me. This may not be true for my children, and that is alright as long as they are following the path that feels right to them. As a Witch I know that I hold magick within my very essence and I want to share this with my children. As a Witch I know that what I do, say, think and feel return to me threefold and that I want the good to flow naturally to my children while the bad are distant and foreign to them. As a Witch, an ordained minister and High Priestess I've seen many different paths and forms of Paganism and even among ourselves we can disagree on the right way to call the quarters, invoke the God and Goddess, celebrate the Esbats and Sabbats, set up an alter, cleanse and consecrate our sacred space and tools and teach our children our path. But I know that there is no one way or right way of doing any of these things. When we calm our minds and reach for our connection with the God/Goddess we will do what is right for us, in the way that is right for us because there has never been only one way and there never will be. As a Witch I know that the diversity that surrounds us is our greatest strength and asset and never something to demean, hate or fear. As a Witch I know that the relationships and interactions I have on a daily basis, the good ones and even more so the bad ones, will show my children what life is. What life can become and even more importantly, what they can expect from life within these physical bodies during this lifetime.

As Wiccan/Pagan/Witches and as parents we know that what we call reality is such a subjective term. What is reality except what is in this exact moment? But now that moment is gone and it is the next with its reality, but again that is now gone and the next moment of reality is upon us. And why exactly do we need to put every ounce of energy into the right now when we could be allowing the right now to reform an even more joyful future by not allowing the right now, the reality of each and every moment, to hold us back from our birthright as human beings living on this planet in this time and place? Our birthright as the very essence of creation, of the God and Goddess themselves, is to live in joy and love and happiness. If enough of us can share this knowledge and wisdom with our children, the evils of this world, the bad of this world, would no longer have the feeling and emotion to sustain itself within our reality.

This is the legacy I choose to strive for, for myself and for my children. Not one of bickering and arguing, of guilt and selfish obligations, of harsh words and un-forgiveness, of allowing others to dictate my feelings and emotions, of pain and misery, of mourning and living in a past that is no more. Of working hard and fighting my way through life rather than flowing with it, in destroying rather than creating, of no second chances. This is not the life for me, nor the legacy I will leave behind. My legacy is that of a Witch.

Have you taken time to think of the daily legacy you leave with your children? This is the perfect time, the perfect season, the perfect chance. No regrets, no second thoughts of the past and what could have or should have been - just what you will do this day, this moment. All else is irrelevant and not worth our attention for one second longer. Don't just leave a legacy behind once you are no longer in your current physical body, live it each and every day.

Published on Examiner.com / December 28, 2013

See other articles in the 'Raising Witchlings' series at http://www.examiner.com/user/6063731/content

Brightest Blessings )0(
the Witchy Writer

Raising Witchlings Series: Being a Single Parent

 

Published on Examiner.com / November 5, 2013

 

Being a single parent, Pagan or not, comes with endless challenges. When a woman gets pregnant the thought typically isn't that you'll be parenting without a mate beside you. Soon to be fathers don't think they'll need to see their children from a distance. But, things happen, relationships end and both parents find themselves trying to navigate the world of single parenthood.

Parents see this amazing child in front of them. Someone they will love and even lay down their life for in an instant, but at the same time feel so many negative emotions swirling around within them regarding the other parent no longer there. The emotions that immediately come to mind are anger, frustration, confusion, blame/guilt, inadequacy, jealousy and even hatred.

Many parents, mothers and fathers alike, feel an intense need to punish the other for the hurts and disappointments from the past relationship. Some can feel these emotions and work through them, for others however, it can become so consuming that it's all they can think about. There really isn't a right or wrong way to feel these emotions. They are yours and you'll feel them in the way you need to, but your actions are completely under your control regardless of your present emotions or actions of others.

This is where some parents have a problem. Your actions DO NOT have to mirror your emotions - and YOU CAN change your emotions from negative to positive. As hard or impossible as this seems at times, it can be done. However, we are also all human beings and some of our most valuable learning opportunities are through the mistakes we make in our lives.

It can be extremely difficult to see your own part in the ending of a relationship, but it does take two. Have you ever just stopped long enough to meditate on your past relationship and the emotions you are currently having? What comes up for you? Can you find your own pattern in the relationships you've had previously that didn't work out?

This step can take time and real effort on your part. But the more you see how you both projected your feelings and emotions into the starting of and ending of the relationship the easier it is to let go of what was and concentrate on what is.

In the mean time, you're still dealing with a lot of hurt feelings and negative emotions. A very typical response seen over and over again is one parent limiting or cutting off access to the children in order to 'teach the other parent a lesson'. But let's be frank about this - it doesn't work. Yes, it hurts the other parent but it also pisses them off. Not a good way to get them to work with you on co-parenting your children. Let's face it, it may feel great in the moment but karma has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. Don't mix your bad karma with your children's lives. The children are the ones that get the brunt of the punishments in these petty arguments.

Here are a few other areas to try and stay clear of:

• Continuous arguing. Whether its done in front of the children or not, they feel it. The spats back and forth do nothing to make the situation better and only keep both parents in a very negative place regarding each other and inevitably - the children. Children can begin to feel like they need to take sides; betraying one of their parents for the other. Do you really want your kids to feel this way? These arguments are what makes it impossible to come to a compromise on the important issues with the children, and can inevitably wind up as long drawn out court battles.
• Snotty remarks. Making snotty remarks and constantly trying to test the others patience in texts, emails or verbally is not only childish, but counter-productive. We, as Pagan parents, understand the Law of Attraction (or the Laws of Nature) very well. We know that what we put out there will be returned to us. So if you want your child's other parent to make similar remarks to you causing you more stress, anger and frustration - go for it. But honestly, not very many of us really want that. So as hard as it may seem, treat them how you want to be treated. It's the only way to get what you want.
• Allowing others to cut down the other parent. It may seem natural that your parents, friends or even co-workers know all the hideous details of the ending of the relationship and of course side with you on everything. They want all the juicy details from each interaction and you're probably more than happy to comply. This however is not what you want to do. The more you talk about all of the things you don't want, the more you'll wind up getting them. If they ask, just let them know that the two of you are trying your best towards working things out and you just don't want to talk about it. This is just one more way to keep yourself in a negative place. So don't do it.
• Saying negative things in front of or to the kids about the other parent. It's been seen way too many times in the courts - one parent telling the kids horrible things about the other parent in the hopes of scaring them into not wanted to go on visitations or sleep-overs, or to just make the other parent look bad. Any parent who would be willing to put their own child through distress to hurt the other parent seriously needs to get their priorities checked. It's not as if you can't say these things. If they're just ready to burst from you step away from the kids, out of earshot, and yell it out loud, write it out and burn it. Just keep the remarks and opinions away from the kids.
• Continue talking about what is going on. Why, if you put yourself into a negative place every time you mention your ex, do you continue to talk about each and every little thing that happens to anyone who will listen? Really? What is the point? Every time you delve into your relationship with your ex you're taking yourself back to hurt feelings, anger, disappointment and depression. Yeah, that's a fun place to be. If you really need to discuss these things try talking to a counselor who can help you release these negative feelings. We don't need well meaning friends and family enabling us in a destructive pattern of negativity. Once you're able to step away emotionally from what happened, from personal experience, you'll be able to discuss your past relationship without the emotional baggage.

When we have children, our relationship with the other parent never ends, it just restructures itself into a different kind of relationship. In good times and bad, we will need to interact with the other parent on issues involving our children at least until they are legal adults - it's just a fact of having children. It can be difficult and emotional but we really can turn things around in order to get along with the other parent. We don't need to try for a warm fuzzy friendship (unless that's what you really want) but at the very least you can be cordial to them. The less drama you bring to this restructured relationship the less you'll get in return.

This is not a competition. Your children's relationship with their other parent is not the same one you had with them. They love both of their parents and do not (nor should they be) put in the middle of a power struggle between the two of you.

It's very difficult when you don't know every detail of what is going on with your children when they are with the other parent, but they really are okay. Yes, they will have different toys and play different games but this does not mean they love one of you more than the other. Children are just trying to find their place in this new restructured relationship. The better you are at communicating and working with the other parent the better you're children will feel about the changes that have happened. Another benefit - children are master manipulators when they want something, by having the skills to co-parent effectively you won't have issues with your children trying to play one parent off the other.

Stop concentrating on everything your ex did or did not do. You are probably not going to get all the answers you want regarding your break-up. These questions are just going to have to be laid to rest. A very difficult concept for so many parents to wrap their heads around is that it just doesn't matter any longer. You want answers, you want to understand what on earth was going on in your ex's head. But, you are no longer a couple. Couples need to communicate and discuss their actions and words. This is no longer the case. Neither of you are required to justify anything you said or did from your past together. Now, you are only parents. And what would be the point of it - really? The priority is the children, not your past relationship.

So what can we do to help us get through the negative emotions swirling around? Look at your children. Watch their happiness and joy at being able to see both parents regularly, at seeing both parents communicating and handling all the adult stuff that they don't need to be concerned with. Watch how happy they are when they get to see the other parent and listen about the fun times they had. Yes - there may be some jealousy creeping in at first, but just keep the attention on your kids. Your kids continued happiness will keep you in alignment. This alone could be the very thing that breaks the chain of negativity within you. They may have been horrible as a spouse or lover, but they seem to be a pretty damn good parent, even with all of their flaws.

Use the experiences as learning opportunities. As Pagan parents there are so many ways to use our own powers to let go of the drama and baggage and reconnect with the priorities that really matter - our children.

• Talking things out with your HP or other clergy could be a good start.
• Design a ritual to release negativity towards your ex.
• Meditate more.
• Celebrate the times you get to be alone, with peace and quiet. As parents we see that time so infrequently. Rejoice in it.
• Perform a rebirthing ritual for yourself into this new life transition. You are only responsible for your happiness, and as long as that is your goal everyone else around you will benefit from it.
• Design a spell or ritual to keep the negativity away from your children during this transition.

These are only a few examples. Do what feels right to you. If you're part of a Coven, ask for their assistance in these matters. Pooling everyone's energies together can be of great benefit to you and the children.

When your children ask questions. Okay, it's going to happen at some point. Your children will start asking questions about the changes going on. What do you tell them? The answer to that is much simpler than you think. Tell them the truth. Age appropriate, but the truth. But also, only the truth regarding YOUR feelings and actions. You can't answer for the other parent, they need to be the one to do that. So it really is okay to say 'I don't know. You'll need to ask mommy/daddy.' And then let the other parent know what questions have been asked so they can be prepared to answer them. Some questions that may come up:

• Why don't I have a daddy/mommy? Your daddy/mommy doesn't know how to be a good daddy/mommy, he/she still has to learn how to do that. But if they do learn, then they will be able to be in our lives. You deserve the best kind of daddy/mommy.
• Why aren't mommies and daddies together? Mommies and daddies love each other very much, and they are also the very best of friends. Sometimes mommies and daddies can't seem to figure out how to be best friends any more. Then they sometimes argue a lot and no one likes that. So they decide to live in separate homes so they don't argue and fight any more. The mommies and daddies feel better and now the children get to have 2 homes to live in. This means 2 rooms, 2 sets of toys, 2 holiday celebrations. It's like double the fun for the kids.
• Is mommy/daddy ever coming home? (If you aren't considering a reconciliation, don't give them false hope.) Probably not. We are much happier living in separate homes. We don't want to argue any more, and this makes sure we can both be there for you. We love you so much that even though these changes are hard right now, we know we'll all be much happier this way. We just can't be best friends any more but everything is going to be alright.
• Why does mommy/daddy have another family? (This is a very emotional question, but hang in there.) Because they wanted to be a part of your family. Your mommy/daddy met someone who they could be best friends with and love very much. They decided to join your family because they love and care for you too. They don't have a new family, they just added to the family you already have.
• Don't you love mommy/daddy any more? (Again, no false hopes if a reconciliation isn't a possibility.) I will always love them because they helped me bring you into this world. But I don't love them the same way I did when we were best friends and that probably isn't going to change.

These are only a small sampling of the kinds of questions children typically ask there parents when a separation occurs. It's important that children understand the truth of what is going on without all the drama and highly emotional details that go along with separations. Our children don't need to know the dirty details of it, just that both parents are happier apart and can continue to love and support them in every way. We don't need to make up stories or give false hope and we don't have to answer questions that are better answered by the other parent. The only job we have is to take care of ourselves and our happiness so we can take care of our children to the best of our abilities.

Separations and divorces are very emotional for everyone involved. Even  though a relationship has ended, that doesn't mean that you as parents aren't going to be able to raise your children together. You get from any relationship what you put into it and this is one of the most important relationships you will ever have. Whether a reconciliation is foreseeable in the future or not your jobs are to parent your children to the very best of your abilities. If you need to carry a picture of your children on you at all times so when/if you start to feel overly negative about your ex you can pull it out and look at their smiling faces - do it. They are what matters, they are the priority. We as parents have the hardest jobs in the world but also the most rewarding when we can see the joy and happiness that we have helped bring into our children's lives. Keep that as your focus and you'll be able to make it through the storm of separation.

Helpful Links
2houses.com
Canadian Co-Parenting Centre
Tips for Co-Parenting After a Separation or Divorce
Dr. Phil - Advice - Co-Parenting

Published on Examiner.com / November 5, 2013