Modern Day Witch Hunt

Why is it that when we end a relationship our first reaction is to concentrate all of our energy on what went wrong? What made us angry, hurt, disappointed, enraged, depressed and even to the point of becoming vengeful? Why, as a human race, can't we see this ending for what it really is - a fresh start. An open door to new experiences, learned lessons and the ability to find someone who really will match up to who we are.

We let our anger consume us at the end, why? It's over now. No more need to argue, fight your battles, share your time and space with them. Why can't we just say, 'Whew! That was a rough, but now I'm moving forward into something so much better and healthier for me.' But no, we hang onto the rage and anger as if it's some kind of life line. This isn't who we are!

We may think we want to see our ex's as inherently evil beings, but they aren't. We are all inherently good people. We don't respond to well to anger and rage and hurt. We respond to kindness, compassion, friendship and respect. None of us are bad people. We may make bad decisions, but those decisions do not make up who and what we really are.

"It seems that human beings

have been hard wired through

the years to speak of, think about

and act on our pain far more than

we do our pleasure."

It seems that human beings have been hard wired through the years to speak of, think about and act on our pain far more than we do our pleasure. There's just something so wrong with this conclusion. I like to think that we are changing this...time will tell.

Reacting to pain makes our lives so much more difficult, but add children to the mix and you're harboring a storm that deep down none of us want to experience or see our children be forced to live through. But it again, it goes back to that hard wiring. It can be difficult to fight those urges, even when children are suffering because of it.

We will have people move in and out of our lives for eternity, some feel good, some don't. It can feel worse when the person was in an intimate relationship with you, but if they're no longer in that kind of relationship with you - it was for a reason and you probably feel better without that person there all the time if you will only take the time to consider that possibility.

"Harboring anger and resentment

only truly hurts the one harboring it -

not the one on the receiving end."

Harboring anger and resentment only truly hurts the one harboring it - not the one on the receiving end. But we find ourselves out to forcibly prove to the world how horrible this person was and continues to be. But that just isn't true. They may not have been the best mate for you, but that doesn't mean they'll be alone forever - nor will you remain alone and unattached for the rest of your life. Love is out there for everyone even if one or both of your royally screwed up in past relationships. Learn from them and keep moving forward. Don't waste your time and energy attacking the past, digging for dirt and keeping yourself in such a negative place. You suffer, the children suffer, everyone suffers. That is not how life is meant to be.

 

"We turn our past relationships into

modern day Witch hunts."

We turn our past relationships into modern day Witch hunts. We can spend hours of our day hunting and searching for some lost hidden secret about the other person, slandering and spewing venom at someone who is no longer there. But there must be something...anything that you can use to prove that you had no fault in any of this. Yeah right...

And it doesn't have to be strictly someone from a past intimate relationship: ex-lover's, ex-spouse's, ex-friend's, ex-coworker's, ex-boss's. There will be a never ending stream of ex's that leave your life, and we seem to believe that if they have left our life for any negative reason we have to shout to the world how bad it was. How horrible this person was to you. How you didn't deserve to be treated that way. Even if we were the one at fault. Why? Does is change what happened? Does it make the other person feel regret and sorrow at their supposed actions? Probably not. In fact, if they find out you've taken it upon yourself to inform the world of who you think they are they'll most likely do the exact same to you. And the cycle of anger continues... Well that's helpful. Don't we all just feel so much better now...yes - this is sarcasm.

"We need to break the cycle before it breaks us."

We need to break the cycle before it breaks us. It's disappointing that our culture talks of all the bad in the world and so little of the good. One day, I hope that this will be reversed. I think the world would be a much better place if this were true. We all need to take a deep breath, relax and take an honest look at the ex's in our lives. They aren't worth all the bashing and digging and spewing - they just aren't. And really, like attracts like. If this is what you are doing then guess what's going to be happening to you in the very near future? You got it. Call it karma, God's will, Nature, Law of Attraction - it's all the same thing. What we put out in this world returns to us. We need to keep this in our minds when in the process of an ending of something/someone in our lives.

Breaking this cycle can seem monumentally impossible when you are in the thick of one of these endings. But try to take more deep breaths, get more fresh air, talk less, listen more. Especially to those around you who are also in their own ending of a relationship. Just listen to what is going on, see the stress and anxiety it puts the person through, see how no matter what they say or do it never seems to get better. Now take a long hard look in a mirror and see if that person is also you. It isn't worth it.

I know it's hard to step back, but when you start watching others and seeing first hand how futile the entire episode is, it'll give you a very different perspective on your own ex's. For those on the receiving end of the digging and spewing - sure, maybe they get a little ticked at first but eventually it just turns into one big joke. Okay, what will so-and-so think of next? It becomes this waiting game to see what kind of stupidity they other person tries to fling at you. And then you laugh, which makes the other person even angrier, and they try harder...and on and on and on...

"We need to step away and stop engaging."

We need to step away and stop engaging. If this person is an ex, then they are in the past. Leave it there. There must be something in your life that is more interesting. Just turn your back and walk away. Life will be so much better and sweeter if you do. And if the ex can't stop their cycle, not your problem. You stopped yours and your life is better for it. You aren't responsible for theirs.

Finding Peace in Turmoil

Like finding the sun shining through in the midst of a storm, we all want to be able to find peace when we are facing turmoil in our lives. So we keep asking ourselves how we can find any kind of inner peace when a storm is raging within us. Our chests are tight and hurt, we become overly sensitive to everything and everyone. One minute we're crying and the next we are exploding over something small and usually meaningless. So how do we do it?

I've been asking myself this very question over the past few days. My husband has a daughter from his previous relationship. She is 3, and beautiful, and wonderful, and smart, and so many more things. I can already see the trouble she is going to cause us when she's a teenager, but I welcome it because I love her so very much. Well - and I already know all the teenage girl tricks because I used them all myself. And I'm going to thoroughly enjoy watching my husband's flustering frustrations as she becomes a young woman. It's going to be quite entertaining.

The turmoil however, is with my lovely step-daughter's mother. I suppose it isn't usual for women to like or get along with their ex's new wife, and I'm not expecting her to like me or my husband. What I do expect is that she control herself in front of her daughter. But she is very angry and upset over our marriage and has made it very obvious the she is unable to control her temper. And unfortunately she dragged her daughter outside with her in order to yell at my husband. I just watched as she looked around in despair. She started by hitting her mother over and over in the stomach trying to get her attention. But I look up and all she can do is flail her arms around with her eyes about to bug out of her head while she ignores her daughter completely to continue the tirade. The sadness in that little girls face absolutely broke my heart. We received texts from her throughout the night saying how her daughter was screaming and yelling; all in an attempt to make my husband feel bad. But she can't see it. My step-daughter is perfectly fine with us. We don't discuss her mother or show our anger or frustration with her immaturity in her presence. We expected the same from her mother, but that isn't happening. Why is she so angry when she is with her mother? Because she is insulting and yelling about her father in front of her. She screams and yells at her mother and grandparents because they can't control themselves around her. A 3 year old only has one response to listening to someone tear her father apart. She screams and yells, she throws tantrums, she isn't nice to anyone. But she doesn't do any of this with us. So that is what is currently going on. You can see why my level of frustration is high. But what to do about it.

Step One - identify what I don't want so I know what I do want. I don't want to ever see my step-daughter in that kind of pain again. So what I want is to know that she has peace and love in her life regardless of what her mother and grandparents are doing. I want her to know and feel that we all love her so very much. That it is okay that her mommy has a home and her daddy has a home. I want this with all of my being.

Step Two - let what I do want be known to the universe. This is the easy part. I know what I want, so the universe knows it also. I don't have to worry about it.

Step Three - allow the truth of what I want to manifest into my present reality. This is the harder part. It requires that I project and think about what I do want, not what I don't want. That's hard when we are constantly bombarded by my husband's ex and her immature and outrageously childish behavior. Sometimes I feel it just never ends, getting more and more out of control. But, it does that only because I'm not in the right state of mind. The more frustrated I get at her, the less I'm concentrating on my step-daughter's peace. I'm concentrating on her lack of peace. And as the Law of Attraction tells - we get more of what we think and feel. I feel frustration, so does my step-daughter.

Changing this pattern will not be easy, but is extremely important. I really really want my step-daughter to be at peace - so this is what I need to concentrate on. I have to FEEL with all of my being that she is in peace, that this is the only state of being she can be in. I cannot concentrate on what her mother is currently doing. This only brings more of what she is doing into being.

This holds true with anything we want in our lives. These steps can be put to anything. The point is that we decide how we want to feel and feel that way now before we are able to physically see the manifestation for ourselves. The universe hears and answers our requests, but if we turn around and feel the opposite the universe will hear that as well, manifesting what we don't want instead. It takes practice. Start with something small that is easy for you to feel good about right now - you'll see it manifest for you. The faster we are able to truly put ourselves into the good feeling place of already having, the faster the universe will deliver. Do the best that you can. Find things that you can redirect your energy towards that will keep you feeling good. Whether it is meditation, looking at pictures that make you feel happy and good, exercise, music, art, writing. It doesn't matter, just do it and you'll see.

So wish me luck as I give my step-daughter the best gift I can. Peace of mind, joy, laughter, love, family. And if you have a few moments, please send your good feeling intentions to this amazing and most deserving little girl. She is so worth it.

Blessed Be!
the Witchy Writer

This is a great video to watch that gives you wonderful information to take with you if you find yourself at the end of a relationship...especially if you have children.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TeJ9s7XmS4

Digging for Dirt in a Desert

Have you ever noticed yourself or others doing this? Trying to find something about someone else for no other reason than to prove to yourself how horrible the other person is. Usually we see this in ex's; which is what I'm currently in the process of watching. It seems that my step-daughter's mother is on a hunt to find something (anything) she can to use against my husband. The current tactic seems to be that my husband didn't get into a car accident (which he did), that he didn't go through the windshield (which he unfortunately did - but he is okay), and because my husband isn't on my car insurance (because I don't have coverage for anyone other than myself driving the car - $$$), that there is some kind of nefarious issues going on that she must uncover and reveal to the world. Well, maybe just to the court system so she can get sole custody.

It's sad really; to watch her hunting and digging, and hunting and digging. She's trying to find this elusive grain of sand within a desert that will give her the information she is hoping to get - so she can prove what a horrible man my husband is. Maybe she thinks it will make her feel better if she can find something. Maybe she wants to show the world that she isn't the reason that the two of them are no longer together. Regardless, I'm watching this and its really, really sad. I see her working herself up on figments of her imagination and my husband becoming more and more angry and resentful towards his ex. How does this benefit anyone? How is this doing what is best for my precious 3 year old step-daughter? My husband wasn't even one of those dead-beat dads we all hear about or see in our own lives. He's been there since day one, been a stay-at-home dad for the past 2 years. But his ex is trying to portray him to the courts as if he were one of those dead-beat dads that we as mothers just want to take a baseball bat to.

I completely realize that my husband had a hand in breaking up their relationship...just as I had a hand in breaking up my first marriage. Like we are told time and time again, it takes 2 to make it work, and 2 to break it apart. It happens. But hopefully we can learn from it and move on to other relationships with more information. Clearer heads. A better idea of what we do and do not want from ourselves as well as a partner.

One thing I have learned regarding my own broken relationships is that dwelling on the would'ves, should'ves, could'ves, if only's, how could he, that SOB, I hope he rots in ________, fill in the blank with what ever expletive you want, is pointless. It is a complete waste of our time and utterly destructive to our inner peace and hope's of having a positive, loving relationship in the future.

As a Witch we try to live as best we can within the natural laws of nature. Our rule, or version of the 10 commandments as it were, we call our Rede: 'An it harm none, do as thou will'. This rule also applies to ourselves. Continuing in day after day of negative thinking is extremely harmful to ourselves. We know that the mental projections (thoughts) that we release into the universe, will eventually come back to us. People call this by many names: Karma, Law of Nature, Law of Attraction, Will of God are only a few. But regardless of the name you use, the premise is the same. What ever you do/say/think will come back at you at some point. I for one want to try to minimize the negative backlash as much as possible.

But as human beings, we know that we can't stop every negative thought or emotion from forming. It just isn't possible. But we can recognize when we start these negative thoughts and actively do something to calm ourselves down, regroup, and let our thoughts flow in a more positive direction. This insures that even though the negative emotion/thought started - we didn't allow it to build momentum to the point where it goes out of our control. Some people do this with deep breathing, meditation, working out, taking long walks, listening to music or yoga. Really it's anything that makes you FEEL better. And feel is the operative word here.

How we feel tells us whether we are heading into a good place or bad place. If we feel crummy, sad, depressed, angry, hurt (add in any negative emotion you want), then we need to stop the second we recognize it and do what we need to, to regroup and move into the positive. We aren't hurting the other person by fuming about them, we hurt ourselves. And at the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves - not the other person.

I hope that my husband's ex figures this out soon. I hope she realizes how detrimental all of this digging and fighting and lashing out is to herself and unfortunately to her daughter as well. She's told my husband that their daughter is having some severe separation anxieties. She thinks that this is something she can throw in my husbands face to make him feel bad. But what she doesn't see at all is that my step-daughter is having a hard time with the separations because she gets to see her father so infrequently. She doesn't realize that she is the ultimate cause of her daughter's separation anxieties. I hope that she starts seeing the truth soon. I may not like her, or ever want to be close to her - but I don't wish her ill. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her to suffer. I want her to learn from this and move on to something more positive in her life. She can be happy in her life and not feel constant anger and resentment every time she thinks of my husband, but she is the only one who can make that happen. I hope she does.

Blessed Be!
the Witchy Writer