Raising Witchlings: Eplaining the God/Goddess to Your Kids

 

 

Published on Examiner.com / January 30, 2014

 

How does a Witch explain the true meaning of the God and Goddess to their children? There is no one way of going about it but this concept is still difficult for Pagan parents to describe to their witchlings. So how exactly do you start? Factors to consider are the children's ages and whether or not they have had any exposure to other religious/spiritual systems. They may already have some idea from other family and friends as to a creator but regardless the Pagan concept of 'god' can be very different from what they have been exposed to.

Start by sitting down and really working through what the concept means to you. How do you see the God and Goddess? What are the aspects that attracted you to the path you are now on? Paganism comes in many different styles and flavors but one of the universal concepts is that there is never just one way of seeing God/Goddess. One of the reasons many of us have turned away from the Judeo-Christian faiths was due to their beliefs that their way is the only one true way of seeing God and all others will suffer in some form of hell in their afterlife for not seeing God the way they do. As Pagans or Wiccan's or Witches we know this to be untrue, no more than a very human trapping that was implemented long ago to scare others into obedience. God/Goddess does not care what name(s) we use or what image(s) we see, our Source, our Creator simply isn't that petty. We have so many different faiths and belief systems for good reason; how else would each individual soul find their path? There will never be only one way, it simply isn't a possibility and we are well aware of that. We accept it and we teach it to those who want to learn from us as well as our children.
So take the time to answer these questions for yourself:

• What does God/Goddess mean to me?
• Do you follow a specific pantheon that include a few or many deities?
• What is your interpretation of creation?
• Are you Pagan, Wiccan, Witch - all of the above? And how does that choice help you in your perception of God/Goddess?
• How to you see Them in your mind's eye - with specific faces, as energy or light, or are They more a feeling than something you see?

Start simple and let your kids ask the questions to guide you in the direction they need to go. Let them feel around with it. You'll be astonished by the insightful questions your children will ask. There is no better way of teaching our children anything in life than by allowing them the freedom and respect to guide themselves (and us) in the best direction of learning for them. Show them your alter, meditation space, ritual areas and tools. Let them touch things and investigate. Let them watch you set up your alter, meditate, prepare and perform a short ritual. This will bring forth new questions that will allow you the opportunity to teach them about the God/Goddess.

Exploration and visualization are key to learning anything, especially for children. As you explain more ideas and concepts to your children they will inevitably begin questioning beliefs and religions that are different from their own. Maybe it comes about because another family member or friend tells them they are wrong or that they believe 'this and this'. To demonstrate all the different religious and spiritual paths we have in the world I use a map or globe.

Giving your kids something tangible to see can help with the more abstract concepts that are involved in religion and spiritual paths. Since we've just come out of the holiday season I'm going to use Santa's North Pole for this, but feel free to use any mysterious or holy place for the residence of God/Goddess. You can show them on a map that we're pretending that the God/Goddess live with Santa at the North Pole. Then show them where other family members live, where friends live. You can even use small stickers to pinpoint specific spots. Then talk about all the people that live everywhere in the world. Each and every one of us living on this planet have the goal of ending up in the North Pole with the God/Goddess but we all can't take the same path. We all live in different places, so we each get to choose our own road. We may walk with others for awhile or go off on our own to join with others later on. We can each see the God/Goddess in the way that is right for us, we each have our own journey to live. We need to have so many different paths and beliefs because we all can't get to the North Pole on the same road, we are too far apart to do that. But in the end, when it is our time to leave our physical life, to pass on, to cross over; we have all found ourselves at the exact same location. We are all together, we are all one in the end but we can each take our own path and have our own beliefs that will get us there.

Teaching our children to appreciate and respect the diversity that we have on this planet is one of the greatest gifts of the God/Goddess. We will cross many paths in our lives, we will experience and learn about many different things. Some we will feel really good about, so we know we're on the right path. Some we won't feel good about, so we know we need to adjust our course and keep looking for the path that is right.

This is our meaning for being here, this is what we wanted before we ever became the physical being we are right now. Before we ever left the direct connection of the God/Goddess bringing a piece of them into ourselves to be born within our physical bodies, we wanted to see and experience the diversity of life on earth. The times when we are closest to feeling that connection are the 'awe' moments that leave you feeling tingly all over. Feeling a cool breeze wash over your face, the rush of cool water in a stream, singing birds in the early morning, the sun making the fresh snow glisten like a million little diamonds, watching a butterfly drift over wildflowers. This is the God/Goddess. Our children feel this connection more often than we do as adults. The lesson, is to really keep our children feeling these moments now and throughout their lives. So they never forget their connection to everything that is. The rest will come with time, exploration and many more questions that our children will eagerly ask us. The best thing we can do as parents, is let it come to them naturally and in a place of joy and love.

Brightest Blessings to all my fellow Pagan Parents.

Published on Examiner.com / January 30, 2014

Raising Witchlings Series: A Witches Legacy

Published on Examiner.com / December 28, 2013
A legacy is something passed down from the past. Usually we think of property, money, inheritances or even positions or titles but a legacy is something so much more. It is the essence of who we were during our lifetime. Usually our legacy is something we think of regarding our children and grandchildren. During this Yuletide season have you thought of what your legacy is? What you would like it to be?

Do we ever stop to think what our legacy is to our children on a daily basis? How kind were we, how compassionate were we, how well did we really listen to our children's needs, how forgiving, how loving. An act of a minutes anger can leave our children with a legacy of mistrust. Many acts of anger, whether towards our children or others in our lives, can insure that the legacy we leave behind is not a positive one.

Yes, a nice inheritance may be nice for our children but our daily actions and how we handle our lives are what is really important. Our children should know that life is meant to be joyful and fun, not overrun with heartache and misery. Others do not steer our course, only we have the ability to choose what direction we take in any given situation. We can choose joy or we can choose misery and disappointment.

The holidays can be such a stressful time for so many, but when we take the time to consider our ancestors and the legacy they gave us - in many ways they have shown us what this winter season was truly meant for. Yule is the point of rebirth and renewal. It is a time to slow down, travel less, contemplate more. What have we done over the past year? What will we do with the next year?

Are we angry a lot or in a regular state of depression? Do we blame others for what they have forced onto our life? Do we argue and fight, allow guilt and overwhelming obligations to family and friends dictate what we do in our daily lives? What does this tell our children? That life just isn't all that great. That to grow up is to feel pain and suffer. That to have anything good in our lives is selfish and not within our control. That others have the power to steer our future in any direction they choose.

This is not a legacy worth sharing. As a Witch, I can only speak to a Witches legacy. What I have learned within my life and spiritual practices. That God is seen in many faces and many forms. That my way is not the only way, nor the only true, correct way. That no one has the ability to steer my future unless I hand them my power - which I will not do. That to care for myself, to make myself my top priority is not selfish but the only way to live my true and authentic life. That life is meant to be joyful and fun. That I have infinite possibilities and it is only my inability to believe in these possibilities that holds me back. That everyone deserves the right to be happy and I have no right to demand that they should do as I say or want. That honesty with compassion, even if difficult to speak, is always the better choice. That many times it is best to stay silent and just listen. That everyone has a right to their own opinion no matter how opposite or irrational it may seem to me. That I need no one to speak for me or dictate to me how I need to see God because the source of our creation flows through me every second of every day whether I feel it or not. That every day I have a new chance to change my fate and bring absolute abundance into my life. That the laws that are enacted, the wars that are fought, the religions that preach sin and hatred of others who are different come from a place so detached from what we call God that they are not worth my attention. That every relationship we form is eternal and even if painful, it is a lesson we needed. It is a lesson to see what we really want and take the leap of faith to have it is always worth it.

These are some of the larger life lessons that I would choose for my legacy. There are smaller ones as well such as, television and the media are really a waste of time and only stand in the way of life's joy. Animals and pets really do make life a better place. We can learn a lot from the innocent joy of our children and our emotions are our way of figuring out whether we are heading in the right direction or not. Meditation is the best and fastest way to connect with the gods and our true selves, magick is very real and not something in fairytales and fancies and no matter what path my children choose in life - I will always stand behind them with love and support whether I am here in this physical body or not.

If I can leave my children with this knowledge, if they can know with absolute certainty that they really can have everything they want in life, I will be handing them the world. I do not want them to see my pain or anger at another as an excuse to feel the same - or worse, an excuse to build a wall around themselves to keep those experiences at a 'safe' distance. Whether it be towards a family member, a spouse, a friend, an ex, the teller at the bank or the stranger walking down the street - all of our experiences are valuable to us. All of these experiences and relationships help us see more and more clearly what we want in life. They give us goals and aspirations. Yes, even the painful ones. We experience the things in life we do not want, which allows us to strive for what we do want. Without these experiences how would we truly know our true selves? The trick is to see what we don't want and as quickly as possible begin thinking and feeling our way in the direction of what we do want, one baby step at a time. To spend our days going over the what if's, how could they have done/said that to me, what could have been different - these do nothing but keep us trapped in the past and we can never be happy in the past. To keep ourselves in a place of anger, depression, vengeance and hatred will only bring more of those things into our lives. To allow what someone else said or did to pave the path of our future, to so completely submit ourselves to someone else's control is so beneath us all. This is not what we would ever want to pass on to our children, but we will if we do not show them a better way.

As a Witch I know that what I call God and Goddess is just the form that feels right and true for me. This may not be true for my children, and that is alright as long as they are following the path that feels right to them. As a Witch I know that I hold magick within my very essence and I want to share this with my children. As a Witch I know that what I do, say, think and feel return to me threefold and that I want the good to flow naturally to my children while the bad are distant and foreign to them. As a Witch, an ordained minister and High Priestess I've seen many different paths and forms of Paganism and even among ourselves we can disagree on the right way to call the quarters, invoke the God and Goddess, celebrate the Esbats and Sabbats, set up an alter, cleanse and consecrate our sacred space and tools and teach our children our path. But I know that there is no one way or right way of doing any of these things. When we calm our minds and reach for our connection with the God/Goddess we will do what is right for us, in the way that is right for us because there has never been only one way and there never will be. As a Witch I know that the diversity that surrounds us is our greatest strength and asset and never something to demean, hate or fear. As a Witch I know that the relationships and interactions I have on a daily basis, the good ones and even more so the bad ones, will show my children what life is. What life can become and even more importantly, what they can expect from life within these physical bodies during this lifetime.

As Wiccan/Pagan/Witches and as parents we know that what we call reality is such a subjective term. What is reality except what is in this exact moment? But now that moment is gone and it is the next with its reality, but again that is now gone and the next moment of reality is upon us. And why exactly do we need to put every ounce of energy into the right now when we could be allowing the right now to reform an even more joyful future by not allowing the right now, the reality of each and every moment, to hold us back from our birthright as human beings living on this planet in this time and place? Our birthright as the very essence of creation, of the God and Goddess themselves, is to live in joy and love and happiness. If enough of us can share this knowledge and wisdom with our children, the evils of this world, the bad of this world, would no longer have the feeling and emotion to sustain itself within our reality.

This is the legacy I choose to strive for, for myself and for my children. Not one of bickering and arguing, of guilt and selfish obligations, of harsh words and un-forgiveness, of allowing others to dictate my feelings and emotions, of pain and misery, of mourning and living in a past that is no more. Of working hard and fighting my way through life rather than flowing with it, in destroying rather than creating, of no second chances. This is not the life for me, nor the legacy I will leave behind. My legacy is that of a Witch.

Have you taken time to think of the daily legacy you leave with your children? This is the perfect time, the perfect season, the perfect chance. No regrets, no second thoughts of the past and what could have or should have been - just what you will do this day, this moment. All else is irrelevant and not worth our attention for one second longer. Don't just leave a legacy behind once you are no longer in your current physical body, live it each and every day.

Published on Examiner.com / December 28, 2013

See other articles in the 'Raising Witchlings' series at http://www.examiner.com/user/6063731/content

Brightest Blessings )0(
the Witchy Writer

Modern Day Witch Hunt

Why is it that when we end a relationship our first reaction is to concentrate all of our energy on what went wrong? What made us angry, hurt, disappointed, enraged, depressed and even to the point of becoming vengeful? Why, as a human race, can't we see this ending for what it really is - a fresh start. An open door to new experiences, learned lessons and the ability to find someone who really will match up to who we are.

We let our anger consume us at the end, why? It's over now. No more need to argue, fight your battles, share your time and space with them. Why can't we just say, 'Whew! That was a rough, but now I'm moving forward into something so much better and healthier for me.' But no, we hang onto the rage and anger as if it's some kind of life line. This isn't who we are!

We may think we want to see our ex's as inherently evil beings, but they aren't. We are all inherently good people. We don't respond to well to anger and rage and hurt. We respond to kindness, compassion, friendship and respect. None of us are bad people. We may make bad decisions, but those decisions do not make up who and what we really are.

"It seems that human beings

have been hard wired through

the years to speak of, think about

and act on our pain far more than

we do our pleasure."

It seems that human beings have been hard wired through the years to speak of, think about and act on our pain far more than we do our pleasure. There's just something so wrong with this conclusion. I like to think that we are changing this...time will tell.

Reacting to pain makes our lives so much more difficult, but add children to the mix and you're harboring a storm that deep down none of us want to experience or see our children be forced to live through. But it again, it goes back to that hard wiring. It can be difficult to fight those urges, even when children are suffering because of it.

We will have people move in and out of our lives for eternity, some feel good, some don't. It can feel worse when the person was in an intimate relationship with you, but if they're no longer in that kind of relationship with you - it was for a reason and you probably feel better without that person there all the time if you will only take the time to consider that possibility.

"Harboring anger and resentment

only truly hurts the one harboring it -

not the one on the receiving end."

Harboring anger and resentment only truly hurts the one harboring it - not the one on the receiving end. But we find ourselves out to forcibly prove to the world how horrible this person was and continues to be. But that just isn't true. They may not have been the best mate for you, but that doesn't mean they'll be alone forever - nor will you remain alone and unattached for the rest of your life. Love is out there for everyone even if one or both of your royally screwed up in past relationships. Learn from them and keep moving forward. Don't waste your time and energy attacking the past, digging for dirt and keeping yourself in such a negative place. You suffer, the children suffer, everyone suffers. That is not how life is meant to be.

 

"We turn our past relationships into

modern day Witch hunts."

We turn our past relationships into modern day Witch hunts. We can spend hours of our day hunting and searching for some lost hidden secret about the other person, slandering and spewing venom at someone who is no longer there. But there must be something...anything that you can use to prove that you had no fault in any of this. Yeah right...

And it doesn't have to be strictly someone from a past intimate relationship: ex-lover's, ex-spouse's, ex-friend's, ex-coworker's, ex-boss's. There will be a never ending stream of ex's that leave your life, and we seem to believe that if they have left our life for any negative reason we have to shout to the world how bad it was. How horrible this person was to you. How you didn't deserve to be treated that way. Even if we were the one at fault. Why? Does is change what happened? Does it make the other person feel regret and sorrow at their supposed actions? Probably not. In fact, if they find out you've taken it upon yourself to inform the world of who you think they are they'll most likely do the exact same to you. And the cycle of anger continues... Well that's helpful. Don't we all just feel so much better now...yes - this is sarcasm.

"We need to break the cycle before it breaks us."

We need to break the cycle before it breaks us. It's disappointing that our culture talks of all the bad in the world and so little of the good. One day, I hope that this will be reversed. I think the world would be a much better place if this were true. We all need to take a deep breath, relax and take an honest look at the ex's in our lives. They aren't worth all the bashing and digging and spewing - they just aren't. And really, like attracts like. If this is what you are doing then guess what's going to be happening to you in the very near future? You got it. Call it karma, God's will, Nature, Law of Attraction - it's all the same thing. What we put out in this world returns to us. We need to keep this in our minds when in the process of an ending of something/someone in our lives.

Breaking this cycle can seem monumentally impossible when you are in the thick of one of these endings. But try to take more deep breaths, get more fresh air, talk less, listen more. Especially to those around you who are also in their own ending of a relationship. Just listen to what is going on, see the stress and anxiety it puts the person through, see how no matter what they say or do it never seems to get better. Now take a long hard look in a mirror and see if that person is also you. It isn't worth it.

I know it's hard to step back, but when you start watching others and seeing first hand how futile the entire episode is, it'll give you a very different perspective on your own ex's. For those on the receiving end of the digging and spewing - sure, maybe they get a little ticked at first but eventually it just turns into one big joke. Okay, what will so-and-so think of next? It becomes this waiting game to see what kind of stupidity they other person tries to fling at you. And then you laugh, which makes the other person even angrier, and they try harder...and on and on and on...

"We need to step away and stop engaging."

We need to step away and stop engaging. If this person is an ex, then they are in the past. Leave it there. There must be something in your life that is more interesting. Just turn your back and walk away. Life will be so much better and sweeter if you do. And if the ex can't stop their cycle, not your problem. You stopped yours and your life is better for it. You aren't responsible for theirs.

Raising Witchlings Series: Being a Single Parent

 

Published on Examiner.com / November 5, 2013

 

Being a single parent, Pagan or not, comes with endless challenges. When a woman gets pregnant the thought typically isn't that you'll be parenting without a mate beside you. Soon to be fathers don't think they'll need to see their children from a distance. But, things happen, relationships end and both parents find themselves trying to navigate the world of single parenthood.

Parents see this amazing child in front of them. Someone they will love and even lay down their life for in an instant, but at the same time feel so many negative emotions swirling around within them regarding the other parent no longer there. The emotions that immediately come to mind are anger, frustration, confusion, blame/guilt, inadequacy, jealousy and even hatred.

Many parents, mothers and fathers alike, feel an intense need to punish the other for the hurts and disappointments from the past relationship. Some can feel these emotions and work through them, for others however, it can become so consuming that it's all they can think about. There really isn't a right or wrong way to feel these emotions. They are yours and you'll feel them in the way you need to, but your actions are completely under your control regardless of your present emotions or actions of others.

This is where some parents have a problem. Your actions DO NOT have to mirror your emotions - and YOU CAN change your emotions from negative to positive. As hard or impossible as this seems at times, it can be done. However, we are also all human beings and some of our most valuable learning opportunities are through the mistakes we make in our lives.

It can be extremely difficult to see your own part in the ending of a relationship, but it does take two. Have you ever just stopped long enough to meditate on your past relationship and the emotions you are currently having? What comes up for you? Can you find your own pattern in the relationships you've had previously that didn't work out?

This step can take time and real effort on your part. But the more you see how you both projected your feelings and emotions into the starting of and ending of the relationship the easier it is to let go of what was and concentrate on what is.

In the mean time, you're still dealing with a lot of hurt feelings and negative emotions. A very typical response seen over and over again is one parent limiting or cutting off access to the children in order to 'teach the other parent a lesson'. But let's be frank about this - it doesn't work. Yes, it hurts the other parent but it also pisses them off. Not a good way to get them to work with you on co-parenting your children. Let's face it, it may feel great in the moment but karma has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. Don't mix your bad karma with your children's lives. The children are the ones that get the brunt of the punishments in these petty arguments.

Here are a few other areas to try and stay clear of:

• Continuous arguing. Whether its done in front of the children or not, they feel it. The spats back and forth do nothing to make the situation better and only keep both parents in a very negative place regarding each other and inevitably - the children. Children can begin to feel like they need to take sides; betraying one of their parents for the other. Do you really want your kids to feel this way? These arguments are what makes it impossible to come to a compromise on the important issues with the children, and can inevitably wind up as long drawn out court battles.
• Snotty remarks. Making snotty remarks and constantly trying to test the others patience in texts, emails or verbally is not only childish, but counter-productive. We, as Pagan parents, understand the Law of Attraction (or the Laws of Nature) very well. We know that what we put out there will be returned to us. So if you want your child's other parent to make similar remarks to you causing you more stress, anger and frustration - go for it. But honestly, not very many of us really want that. So as hard as it may seem, treat them how you want to be treated. It's the only way to get what you want.
• Allowing others to cut down the other parent. It may seem natural that your parents, friends or even co-workers know all the hideous details of the ending of the relationship and of course side with you on everything. They want all the juicy details from each interaction and you're probably more than happy to comply. This however is not what you want to do. The more you talk about all of the things you don't want, the more you'll wind up getting them. If they ask, just let them know that the two of you are trying your best towards working things out and you just don't want to talk about it. This is just one more way to keep yourself in a negative place. So don't do it.
• Saying negative things in front of or to the kids about the other parent. It's been seen way too many times in the courts - one parent telling the kids horrible things about the other parent in the hopes of scaring them into not wanted to go on visitations or sleep-overs, or to just make the other parent look bad. Any parent who would be willing to put their own child through distress to hurt the other parent seriously needs to get their priorities checked. It's not as if you can't say these things. If they're just ready to burst from you step away from the kids, out of earshot, and yell it out loud, write it out and burn it. Just keep the remarks and opinions away from the kids.
• Continue talking about what is going on. Why, if you put yourself into a negative place every time you mention your ex, do you continue to talk about each and every little thing that happens to anyone who will listen? Really? What is the point? Every time you delve into your relationship with your ex you're taking yourself back to hurt feelings, anger, disappointment and depression. Yeah, that's a fun place to be. If you really need to discuss these things try talking to a counselor who can help you release these negative feelings. We don't need well meaning friends and family enabling us in a destructive pattern of negativity. Once you're able to step away emotionally from what happened, from personal experience, you'll be able to discuss your past relationship without the emotional baggage.

When we have children, our relationship with the other parent never ends, it just restructures itself into a different kind of relationship. In good times and bad, we will need to interact with the other parent on issues involving our children at least until they are legal adults - it's just a fact of having children. It can be difficult and emotional but we really can turn things around in order to get along with the other parent. We don't need to try for a warm fuzzy friendship (unless that's what you really want) but at the very least you can be cordial to them. The less drama you bring to this restructured relationship the less you'll get in return.

This is not a competition. Your children's relationship with their other parent is not the same one you had with them. They love both of their parents and do not (nor should they be) put in the middle of a power struggle between the two of you.

It's very difficult when you don't know every detail of what is going on with your children when they are with the other parent, but they really are okay. Yes, they will have different toys and play different games but this does not mean they love one of you more than the other. Children are just trying to find their place in this new restructured relationship. The better you are at communicating and working with the other parent the better you're children will feel about the changes that have happened. Another benefit - children are master manipulators when they want something, by having the skills to co-parent effectively you won't have issues with your children trying to play one parent off the other.

Stop concentrating on everything your ex did or did not do. You are probably not going to get all the answers you want regarding your break-up. These questions are just going to have to be laid to rest. A very difficult concept for so many parents to wrap their heads around is that it just doesn't matter any longer. You want answers, you want to understand what on earth was going on in your ex's head. But, you are no longer a couple. Couples need to communicate and discuss their actions and words. This is no longer the case. Neither of you are required to justify anything you said or did from your past together. Now, you are only parents. And what would be the point of it - really? The priority is the children, not your past relationship.

So what can we do to help us get through the negative emotions swirling around? Look at your children. Watch their happiness and joy at being able to see both parents regularly, at seeing both parents communicating and handling all the adult stuff that they don't need to be concerned with. Watch how happy they are when they get to see the other parent and listen about the fun times they had. Yes - there may be some jealousy creeping in at first, but just keep the attention on your kids. Your kids continued happiness will keep you in alignment. This alone could be the very thing that breaks the chain of negativity within you. They may have been horrible as a spouse or lover, but they seem to be a pretty damn good parent, even with all of their flaws.

Use the experiences as learning opportunities. As Pagan parents there are so many ways to use our own powers to let go of the drama and baggage and reconnect with the priorities that really matter - our children.

• Talking things out with your HP or other clergy could be a good start.
• Design a ritual to release negativity towards your ex.
• Meditate more.
• Celebrate the times you get to be alone, with peace and quiet. As parents we see that time so infrequently. Rejoice in it.
• Perform a rebirthing ritual for yourself into this new life transition. You are only responsible for your happiness, and as long as that is your goal everyone else around you will benefit from it.
• Design a spell or ritual to keep the negativity away from your children during this transition.

These are only a few examples. Do what feels right to you. If you're part of a Coven, ask for their assistance in these matters. Pooling everyone's energies together can be of great benefit to you and the children.

When your children ask questions. Okay, it's going to happen at some point. Your children will start asking questions about the changes going on. What do you tell them? The answer to that is much simpler than you think. Tell them the truth. Age appropriate, but the truth. But also, only the truth regarding YOUR feelings and actions. You can't answer for the other parent, they need to be the one to do that. So it really is okay to say 'I don't know. You'll need to ask mommy/daddy.' And then let the other parent know what questions have been asked so they can be prepared to answer them. Some questions that may come up:

• Why don't I have a daddy/mommy? Your daddy/mommy doesn't know how to be a good daddy/mommy, he/she still has to learn how to do that. But if they do learn, then they will be able to be in our lives. You deserve the best kind of daddy/mommy.
• Why aren't mommies and daddies together? Mommies and daddies love each other very much, and they are also the very best of friends. Sometimes mommies and daddies can't seem to figure out how to be best friends any more. Then they sometimes argue a lot and no one likes that. So they decide to live in separate homes so they don't argue and fight any more. The mommies and daddies feel better and now the children get to have 2 homes to live in. This means 2 rooms, 2 sets of toys, 2 holiday celebrations. It's like double the fun for the kids.
• Is mommy/daddy ever coming home? (If you aren't considering a reconciliation, don't give them false hope.) Probably not. We are much happier living in separate homes. We don't want to argue any more, and this makes sure we can both be there for you. We love you so much that even though these changes are hard right now, we know we'll all be much happier this way. We just can't be best friends any more but everything is going to be alright.
• Why does mommy/daddy have another family? (This is a very emotional question, but hang in there.) Because they wanted to be a part of your family. Your mommy/daddy met someone who they could be best friends with and love very much. They decided to join your family because they love and care for you too. They don't have a new family, they just added to the family you already have.
• Don't you love mommy/daddy any more? (Again, no false hopes if a reconciliation isn't a possibility.) I will always love them because they helped me bring you into this world. But I don't love them the same way I did when we were best friends and that probably isn't going to change.

These are only a small sampling of the kinds of questions children typically ask there parents when a separation occurs. It's important that children understand the truth of what is going on without all the drama and highly emotional details that go along with separations. Our children don't need to know the dirty details of it, just that both parents are happier apart and can continue to love and support them in every way. We don't need to make up stories or give false hope and we don't have to answer questions that are better answered by the other parent. The only job we have is to take care of ourselves and our happiness so we can take care of our children to the best of our abilities.

Separations and divorces are very emotional for everyone involved. Even  though a relationship has ended, that doesn't mean that you as parents aren't going to be able to raise your children together. You get from any relationship what you put into it and this is one of the most important relationships you will ever have. Whether a reconciliation is foreseeable in the future or not your jobs are to parent your children to the very best of your abilities. If you need to carry a picture of your children on you at all times so when/if you start to feel overly negative about your ex you can pull it out and look at their smiling faces - do it. They are what matters, they are the priority. We as parents have the hardest jobs in the world but also the most rewarding when we can see the joy and happiness that we have helped bring into our children's lives. Keep that as your focus and you'll be able to make it through the storm of separation.

Helpful Links
2houses.com
Canadian Co-Parenting Centre
Tips for Co-Parenting After a Separation or Divorce
Dr. Phil - Advice - Co-Parenting

Published on Examiner.com / November 5, 2013

Raising Witchlings Series: Religious Freedom and Our Kids

"Don't be afraid to be open-minded, your brain isn't going to fall out." ~author unknown

Published on Examiner.com / October 20, 2013

We all want our children to be safe in this world. We go to great lengths to teach our children about looking both ways before crossing the street, not to talk to strangers, no running with scissors and holding the railings on stairwells among just a few. What parents who subscribe to one of the many Judeo-Christian religions do not have to worry about is their children's safety regarding their or their parents religious and spiritual beliefs. As Pagan parents, we do. It is unfortunate, but too many Pagan parents have to worry about their children possibly being bullied at school for their families religious beliefs. Too many have to worry about what their children will say in public. Not all communities are open to various faiths that do not follow the same tenants. Careers have been ruined over an individuals personal spiritual beliefs because of ignorance and fear of beliefs that seem foreign and wrong to others. And far worse, religious freedom is dragged into too many courts of law. Pagan parents can find themselves having to fight for their right to believe what is right for them and still be able to have access to their children.

Parents separate and divorce; leaving children to be fought over in a tug of war that hurts everyone involved. Most especially the children. It can be hard enough to be civil to one another during a divorce, but throw in religion and the courts are forced to make decisions they are ill equipped to make; nor does any judge want to have to make these kinds of decisions. Church and State are kept separate for good reason. But, when an angry parent feels justified in making their ex 'pay for what they've done to them', everyone must suffer.

Whether your major concerns involve the school systems, the workplace, your community or the court of law, you need to know what your rights are. Knowledge is power. Knowing what the laws are in your state/province is not only for your and your children's protection, but it can give parents confidence to stand strong against religious bigotry and persecution and a sense of ease regarding others outside of your immediate circle of friends and family knowing what you believe.

So, how do we protect our children?

Where to start? We are all probably fairly knowledgeable on the views of our communities. This can give us a look into what we may expect in the school systems. Some of us are comfortable with staying quiet, others are more than happy to stir the pot and announce to the world exactly who and what they are, and be damned their 'views'. But we're talking about the safety and emotional well-being of our children, so our personal views on how open we will be can change. Many Pagan parents look at private schools like Montessori for their children because such a large majority of schools are Christian or Catholic based. Just because the law may be on your side, the community or school board or work place can make being in their vicinity a living nightmare. How much are we willing to take? How much are we willing to put our children through?

Teaching our children about ignorance and fear in society.

Our children need to be taught that there are people in this world who do not understand Pagan beliefs. They see what is in the movies, or scary ghost stories and believe that is what we are. It scares them. We don't need to correct them, just let them be. We'll all take the approach with our children that we know will work best, but this is a discussion that cannot wait until after it happens. Preventative measures need to be taken. You'll feel better and your children will feel more confident in themselves as they move through their life.

Yes, those of us, the Pagan parents, see all of this as ridiculous. We see divinity within nature; now that's just frightening. We are proponents for gender equality in the mundane world and so it only makes sense that this equality would include our religious world. Where some see God and the Virgin Mary, we see God and the Goddess. Equal, partners, co-creators, balance. What a horrible thought. We teach to 'Harm None'. Wow, the audacity of Pagan parents. We teach that everyone has a right to their own religious and spiritual beliefs even if they contradict our own. How awful! Non-pagans think we hold scary rituals inciting demons and other such nonsense. We wear robes and have candles and incense.

So let's all take a trip to the nearest Catholic service and watch their priests in robes and funky pointed hats, with their gold staffs, chalices of wine and plates of cakes. Swinging their noxious incense around them, all the while chanting in Latin which I doubt anyone understands. For all we know their inciting damnation on the heads of everyone there.

Now let's flip through the pages of our old history textbooks and see where exactly our upstanding Catholic priests got their basic structure and means of dress for their services. Oh yes, here it is. From the Pagan faiths before them.

Yes, we Pagan parents are a scary lot. Celebrating the seasonal changes, seeing the divine in everything and teaching our children that they have more control over their life and environment than they may think. But there are those who feel justified in their religious persecution so it's best that we all know our rights.

Learn the laws in your area now rather than later.

Yes, we can still see and feel the absurdity of it all, but being prepared certainly won't hurt. Start with locating the laws in your area. These links will help you with the information you need:
Religious Freedom - US Department of State
Canada's Office of Religious Freedom
United Kingdom Rights and Policies on Religious Freedom
Ireland 2012 International Religious Freedom Report
Australian Human Rights Commission

If you are faced with family court and custody issues involving Pagan beliefs, the best resource is the Lady Liberty League. They specialize in Pagan rights and can assist you with resources and even legal council if deemed necessary.

So find out where you stand in the eyes of the law where you live. Just keep all of the information in a file in case you ever need to use or reference it. The hope is that we never have to use it, but if we do, it's there and ready for us. Be prepared to have it on hand for school boards, employers, community facilities, unions and the court of law. It never hurts to be overly prepared.

What if the attack comes from an ex?

Start with the rights in your state/province and contact the LLL. There have been custody cases that have ranged from Pagan parents divorcing, one has 'found God' and is going to use Paganism and Witchcraft to win custody of the children; to interfaith families that decide to use the others Pagan faith against them in family court; to nonreligious couples divorcing, one remarries a Pagan/Wiccan/Witch, and the ex is going to try to get the kids by using this in court.

The worst part of this entire situation is the pain that it causes the children. One parent is doing everything they can to limit the visitations with the other parent; justifying this with outrageous claims, persecuting the other based on religion. The children see it, and worse, they feel it.

It takes time and diligence, but it is possible to insure your rights and safety of your children. To be together as a family. To feel confident and secure within yourselves regardless of the mess others are making of their own lives.

So what can we do after all the legalities are taken care of or are in motion?

Pagans tend to have a fairly good understanding of what is now being called the 'Law of Attraction'. What we put out into the world will come back to us. We may not always feel it, but we really do have the ability to choose our emotions regardless of what others are doing.

Where our children are concerned, anything an ex does or says that implies your losing them in some way is hitting below the belt. We become very emotional very quickly, but we can calm this down. If we immediately react every time with anger, sadness, rage, hatred, a need for revenge - that's what we're putting out into the Universe. So those are the things that are going to come back to us. If you can find a way to remember that the emotions you put into your dealings with your ex will be the same ones that are returned to you, you can get a better perspective on the situation. Every time you respond with anger you are literally handing all of your power to another person. Why on earth would anyone want to willingly do that? Especially if that means you're handing your power over on a silver platter to your ex.

Some tips for keeping your negative emotions at bay:

• Deep breathing helps to release endorphins, the bodies natural feel-good painkillers in addition to increasing blood flow which allows you to be more focused; relieving anxiety and fear.
• Stop talking about it with everyone you see. Notice that when you speak about it, your emotions go right back to the place of anger. So stop it!
• Find ways of distracting yourself away from your negative emotions. Stay away from the news channel, friends and family who only want to complain or hear about how horrible your life may be at this moment. Read a good book, watch a comedy, play with your pet. Anything that will turn your emotions in a more positive direction.
• Go to sleep each night reviewing everything you are grateful for, you'll wake up in that same grateful mood.
• Slow down and enjoy what you have surrounding you in this very moment. If you can't be grateful for what you have right now, you can't draw more of it into your life.
• Meditate regularly. Meditation has been proven to help people with focus and highly emotional situations. It's one of the easiest ways to relax and get ourselves back on track.

Final words...

In this day and age and with so much information available regarding the numerous Pagan beliefs and religious systems one would think the ability to persecute someone for being Pagan would be long gone. This is certainly coming in the future, so in the mean time we Pagan parents need to know and understand our rights. We need to know how open we want our children to be and to be prepared to deal with the schools and community if needed. And we need to consider our role in the lives of any child who comes into our lives, either through our children's friends or step-children that join our families. Knowledge is power and the more we know the better prepared we will be in protecting our rights and those of our children. Brightest Blessings.


Published on Examiner.com / October 20, 2013 

the Witchy Writer

Raising Witchlings Series: Being a Pagan Bonus Mom

Published on Examiner.com / September 26, 2013 

Being a step-mom can be challenging; being a Pagan step-mom has its own unique challenges. You need to tread lightly when it comes to your partner's ex. What you say and what you expose your step-child to could potentially be used against you and your partner in regards to faith, beliefs and holidays. It is not just a case of dealing with an ex who will at times (hopefully not all the time) allow jealousy and bitterness to take full control of her actions; spewing venom in all directions and putting an unnecessary burden on the children. It can be a rarity to find a woman who is actually happy that their ex has moved on and found someone. So in the midst of the emotional tornado that must be dealt with, you must also figure out how to tread the waters of sharing your faith with your step-children.

So how do you deal with this situation? 

First, know your legal rights for the area you live. A good organization that can help you find out is the Lady Liberty League. The LLL is an international religious freedom and civil rights organization who help Pagans, Wiccan's and other nature religion practitioners with legal issues regarding their chosen faith and/or spiritual practices. Don't wait until something happens to find out about your legal rights, do it now. Some states/provinces are not as open as others and you and your partner need to know if an ex could potentially try to bring some kind of  trumped up legal action against either of you. It is unfortunate, but the safest answer to this challenge may be to keep your religion secret.

Second, once you know your legal rights sit down with your partner and discuss how you want to incorporate (or not) your step-children. You have a right to your religious and spiritual beliefs, but we also know that sharing them openly is not always a safe thing to do. Discuss how you will be able to practice your beliefs in the home when your step-children are present. Do you have children of your own who practice with you? How do you incorporate them? Can the same be done with your step-children? Or, is there a way of lessening some of the ritual aspects of your celebrations and practices when your step-children are present to make it more comfortable for everyone?

Hammering out these details in advance will make the home situation much calmer. It will also put you and your partner on the same page so if the ex tries to do or say anything you know your partner has your back. But if the ex is absolutely against her children having anything to do with your spiritual or religious practices (be prepared for this reaction) then you and your partner should come up with a plan for how that will be accomplished. It will most likely be unrealistic that the children not know what your faith is, but you and your partner can be the bigger people and work around this challenge no matter how unfair the demand.

Third, take it slow. Introduce your step-children (if you decide to) slowly. Start with celebrating the changes of the season without incorporating any religious or ritual practices. Allow your step-children to see your practices as a natural extension of nature. No cackling, green skin or warts for them to report to their mother. And if that goes well than continue to introduce a little more each holiday.

One of the more difficult aspects to contend with for any step-mother (or bonus mom) is ensuring that their partner's children feel included when they are with you. A sure fire way of making sure they do not like you is if they wind up feeling like their father went out and 'found' a new family. It shouldn't feel like an 'us and them' situation when they are visiting. You and your children are now a part of their family, and families stick together no matter how many different homes they are spread throughout.

An interesting and enlightening article to read whether you are the bonus mom or the biological mom, (especially if you are the biological mom), is '7 Reasons Not to Hate Your Child's Stepmom'. You don't need to be seen, nor should you be, as 'the competition'. You are not there to steel another mom's children from her. As a bonus mom, you are just that. A bonus. One more person who will unconditionally love these children. Who only wants the best for them. Hopefully there will be a time when the ex can let go of past hurts and mistakes, forgive for their own sake, and be happy that you and your partner are giving the children a stable and diverse home for them to grow up in. It can be done.

Published on Examiner.com / September 26, 2013

Trying to Stay in a Good Place

I love both of my children with all my heart. It doesn't matter that my daughter is not mine by blood, she is technically my 'step' daughter, but my children are 'my children'. I love them equally. They are both my family.

My husband and I got to spend the Autumnal Equinox with both of our children. My husband asked his ex for 1 extra hour so our daughter could spend more time with family (my mother-in-law celebrated with us and very rarely gets to see our daughter because she lives with her biological mother). She refused because spending this seasonal holiday with me is not a family activity in her opinion. She said that this is just "my religious event" and has nothing to do with our daughter.

I'm trying to stay in a good place, but I'm so sick and tired of her outrageous stupidity and ignorance. Her bitterness and jealousy of me is hitting all time lows and only serves to make it less likely that we'll do anything to cooperate with her on anything in the future, in addition to her hurting her own daughter by not allowing us any real quality time with her. We only get to see her every 2 weeks for a few hours each day on the weekend.

But I find that her ignorance also angers me. She has no idea what my beliefs are. My husband and I think that she probably had to Google yesterday's holiday to even know why we wanted our daughter to spend an extra hour with us. The equinox is not a religious holiday for everyone. It's a seasonal holiday, the Pagan's Thanksgiving. And being Pagan does not make one religious. If she wants to debate what my path is, she should at least become educated on it beforehand so her stupidity doesn't show through so clearly.

And - I am married to our daughter's father. I am family. My husband's ex does not have to like it, but I am family. I love our daughter and I always will. That is just the way it is. She is going to have to figure out a way to live with this fact. She has no choice but to share her biological daughter with me. And she is the one who threw my 'now husband' out of their home with nothing but a backpack and the clothes on his back. What did she honestly think would happen after doing something that extreme?

So I am trying to release the anger I've had for this selfish and ignorant excuse for a woman and mother. And all I wish to give to her...is my silence. I will not allow her to ruin my love for my new daughter, she is what matters. Both of our children are loved by my husband and me and that will never change.